Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Truth, Secrets, and The Fifth Chakra

"the frozen secret of ice melting the voice of my truth.  it flows into the world, healing me, as I've longed for the cooling of its soothing waters, dripping with Spirit and Sparkle, as My truth, the truth of who I am, is finally told."

The Fifth Chakra, or Throat Chakra, is the chakra responsible for expression, our right to speak and be heard.  It is responsible for our creative expression, expression of our truth, our expression of who we truly are, at our very core.

Truth is not a difficult concept for me, I don't like to lie.  Not that I haven't; when you're entrenched in addiction you are immersed in lies.  Your whole life becomes a lie, a lie to yourself, a lie to the world.  A betrayal of yourself to your very core.  A hugely important part of recovery is truth.  Examining the truth of who you've been, what you've done to yourself and others, is a necessary part of the healing process.  Those lies affect your Throat Chakra, and as you examine and face the truth, you bring healing to that chakra as well.

Secrets are a part of addiction as well, at least they were for me.  And as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm wondering where the line between secrets and lies is?  While in active addiction I felt like I was living a double life, there was this whole other part of me I kept hidden from the world, I kept it secret.  I had the part of my life in which I was an addict, scrambling to feed my addiction - immersed in darkness.  Then I had the part of my life in which I had a good job, went to work every day, took care of my son, and wore whatever mask I could to hide myself from the world and everyone around me.  And I suppose that's where the two worlds crossed over, the masks of addiction were what I wore to hide myself from the world, that way they wouldn't see that I was crazy, or that I felt like I didn't fit in.  They wouldn't see that I didn't feel accepted.  They wouldn't see the pain I carried because I hated who I thought I was.  And when it all came to a head and the secret was out and I took my first step out of active addiction, I sighed in relief.  I think I was tired of my secret life.  Once the light hit the darkness of my secret, I could look at the truth and I could start to heal.  And that's what I've been doing for 25 months, healing.  And my Throat Chakra, among others, have healed from that as well.

The think about healing, as I've come to realize, is that there are layers; a lot of layers.  I find that I heal the layer I have the tools and ability to heal.  That sits, I transform, I progress along my healing journey, and then I'm introduced to a deeper layer.  I've already shared that I'm in those deeper layers right now.  Layers of issues I have dealt with already.  But a deeper layer is ready to be healed.  It amazes me how sometimes, things that come to appear obvious are missed that first time around.  Sometimes they're touched on, but it just grazes the surface.  It doesn't sink into my realization until it's ready to reveal itself and I have the capacity to look at the revelation.

So, what does this have to do with "Truth, Secrets, and The Fifth Chakra"?  In my case, it has everything to do with it.  You see, as a child, during the developmental formation of my Throat Chakra, I had a very deep dark secret.  A secret that trampled my basic right to speak and be heard.  It shattered the formation of that, as well as other, sacred energy centers in my body.  It was about 10 years ago that I went to therapy to heal that abuse, to forgive it.  And I did.  Finally a giant weight had been lifted off of me.  However, I missed a few things.  First, I wasn't at all aware of the chakras, or their functions, at that point and time.  Second, I totally missed the obvious point that abuse rips away your personal power (which is a Chakra Three issue that I'll explore in another post).  Third, I didn't grasp the effects that having to keep such a secret would have on the way I lived my life and the choices I would make.  At that time I was looking for peace, I wanted the images to stop invading my mind, I wanted the nightmares to go away.  And therapy accomplished that.  Well, as much as I could know peace anyway, at least until I stared to heal from addiction and the dis-ease of myself.

You see, keeping a secret racked in fear and shame sends the message, "It's not safe to speak my truth."  Once that pattern is established and used as a belief system through life, it becomes deeply embedded in your energy system.  When opportunities arose for me to speak the truth of who I was, that fear automatically kicked in and stifled my voice.  It also distorted my inner truth, of I was.  On top of that, when obedience and silence is the message received, it creates the belief that "I don't have a right to even be heard.  What is safe?"  So while the chakra of expression was forming, my messages were that it wasn't safe to speak my truth and that no one wants to hear it anyway, so I guess I'll just be quiet and safe.  I put my "truth" stamp, as I call it, on those limiting beliefs and lived life that way.  A very dysfunctional way I might add.

These realizations are expanding my awareness.  I appreciate that I am ready to heal this.  And that is the great news, as long as I choose to, I can heal it.  And trust me, I choose to.  So I've read about it, reflected on it, written in my journal about it, and created this page to voice it.  After spending almost my entire life trying to be anyone other than me, I now wish to be only me.  And I wish to put the truth of who I am and what I've learned out into the world.  I choose to be grounded, balanced, and whole.  I choose to use the experiences of my life and all the healing work I've done and wisdom I've gained to go forth and help others heal.  I can only do that by healing the energy of my body, by thawing the frozen lock of illusion from my throat.  So that is what I am doing.

The Divine guidance I receive never ceases to amaze me.  I made a decision, not so long ago, to commit to this path of helping people heal and doing whatever it takes to get there.  In doing that these issues have come up and I'm experiencing some of the deepest levels of healing that I've experienced so far on this journey.  Because to help people heal, I have to heal myself.  I'm being prepared for one of my purposes in life.  And the more I learn and the more I heal within the depths of me, the more I can transform that into guiding people along their healing journeys.  And that is what my soul longs to do.  Help people heal and create art.  And that's what I've done here.  I've honored my truth, I've used my truth to put symbolic beauty on the page, and I've sent it out into the world in hopes that at least one person will be touched by it in some way.  I know it's touched me.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Artful Play and a Poem

This was the result of dripping paint on a page, spraying it with water, and taking my heat gun to it.  It was freedom and fun!  Of course, any time I'm playing with artsy things is fun and usually meditative.  Which is one of the many reasons I love to do it.  I'm not sure where this page is headed but I trust it'll let me know.  And I trust I'll listen.

I actually see the hint of a girls face on the right hand side page.  I just might try to add to that.  While I was looking at it words started to come to me.  A poem I think.  So I thought I would share:

She speaks in soft whisperous tones
As she takes a cautious step
Into the ground that is her truth.
She's careful not to put the full weight of her foot down
As she's used to stepping on shaky ground.
Then she realizes
That that is the past.
That shaky ground beneath her feet no longer exists,
As it faded with the passing of its time.
And she remembers
That the stability of the ground of her truth
Is determined only by her belief in it
Not on the past of it.
So she places her foot firmly
On the solid ground of her truth.
She knows the time she's spent rebuilding the foundation of it.
She knows that it is that that she needs to remember.
She sees the security of it now,
Security she has built on her journey back to wholeness.
And she places her "truth" stamp on it,
And she stands firmly there
Rooted in her foundation,
Speaking her truth in audible tones
From her Divine spirit within,
That she has finally claimed as her own.
And the past slowly fades away,
Illusions of some distant day.
They served her well in reminding her
Of who she is and who she is not.
But they were never meant to be contained
And projected into her future.
They were never meant to manifest fears
Freezing her in time.
So she releases them gently,
With love and appreciation,
And they blow away with the wind.
She has traveled long and deep
To find the truth she now holds.
And whether she's flying towards her dreams
Or dancing to her own tune,
She knows her ground of truth will always be there for her,
Strong, stable, and secure.
And she now trusts herself to remember the existence of it that she built.

Owning my power, standing in my truth, speaking my truth...just some of the many internal landscapes I've been in lately.  Digging deep into the depths of me.  I've definitely reached some very deep layers.  It's all good stuff because as the energy starts swirling around and releasing, things start moving forward.  And I am very much looking forward to that :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Healing my foundation...

Throughout my healing journey I've worked with my chakras to clue me in as to what is still buried beneath my surface.  I thought I had left no stone unturned, but it turns out not so much.  And that's okay because I really do love solving the mysteries that make up me.  I am an eternal work in progress.  But at times, when I have done so much work already, it surprises me that there is still much to do.

Recently I've been working on deeper layers of chakras I've already been through and childhood issues I thought I had let go of.  I should clarify that because I did indeed heal them and let them go.  But what I've realized is that sometimes, they affect deeper layers that I didn't realize at first.  Also, sometimes there is something about the event that is lingering in my energy, even though it is clear from my mind.

One of the books that I have used to heal a number of these issues is, Carolyn Myss' Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing.  I absolutely love this book and refer to it often.  If you are doing any internal healing type work I highly recommend it.  While I have read and reread this book I was recently Divinely guided to look into chakra's two and five again.  To make a long story short (yes, I'm actually going to try to do that) it led me to release a few important blocks, mysteries I have been trying to solve for awhile.  It also reminded me of what an amazing healing tool the chakras are.  Which led me to yet another book, Eastern Body, Western Mind, by Anodea Judith.  Another amazing book that helped me solve even more.  I love working with these energy centers, the more I understand them and their interconnectedness, the more I heal. While reading this book, it really started to sink in how childhood trauma had affected a number of my chakras.  I started to see the symbolism and clues and realized that I had happened upon a very deep level of healing.  One I really needed.  This information is helping me to heal deep energetic wounds that reach to the depths of me.

An idea for an art journal page started to form as I was reading this book.  Our foundation (root chakra) is our stability, where we are rooted into the deep nutrient rich loving soil of mother earth.  That little girl inside of me did not have stable ground, it was shaky at best.  So I decided to create a new foundation for her, one that is stable, grounded, and safe.  While doing this page I also wrote a letter to that little girl; it was a very powerful experience.  It actually surprised me because I healed this childhood trauma in therapy a number of years ago.  I forgave it, I let it go and it no longer haunts me.  But I did not realize that it had a shattering affect on my energy system.  I did not have the tools then to understand that.  I am grateful that I do now.

I told little tia that I understood what she was going through.  I comforted her, I hugged her and I told her how special and loved she is.  I also gave her a voice, dialogued with her.  I can still feel a bit of a lump in my throat as I write this, the lump was pretty strong yesterday when I was doing the exercise.  I walked away feeling better, feeling like I had started to thaw energy that has been frozen in my vibration since I was a little girl.  This page is in honor of her.  This page symbolizes a new, safe, loving foundation for that scared little girl.  This page is an affirmation for me and a way for me to release it and let it go from a deeper level.

And as I still feel the lump in my throat, my fifth chakra, I know there is still much to be released from that area of my body too.  Intensely healing, rooting out things that have been lingering.  And learning because I will take from this and go forth and do great things with it, write my book, guide people along their healing journey's, and even write an e-course that incorporates all of this.

It's been hard work.  I've never worked for anything as hard as I've worked toward wholeness.  I gain more ground every day and I am in awe of it.  Hard work but rewarding.  The reward is wholeness-body, mind, and spirit merged.  It's merging as I write this, I can feel it.  Amazing to go through your entire life not even knowing how fragmented you were.  Even more amazing that at any point you can start the healing process and merge all of your parts.  I think it's amazing anyway.  It sure feels that way :)