I am a beautiful spark of divinity

Tamara LaPorte (a.k.a. Willowing) has a free class on her ning site called, "Art, Heart and Healing."  First off, she is an amazing artist and a beautiful bright spirit and I recommend you check out her work and her YouTube channel.  And if you are looking for some healing art exercises I urge you to check out her class.  It's interesting because, on Easter I sat down and wrote a list of artsy things I wanted to do and try.  Two of the items on the list involved drawing faces that looked more realistic, but not too realistic; and to learn to paint and shade faces to look more realistic, but again, not too realistic.  This is my result from the first week class.  She's beautiful!  I am so proud of her.  I look forward to continuing to practice drawing girls and making them mine, incorporating more of my style, and figuring out what that style is.  I am so appreciative to Tam for giving us the gift of this class, it was very generous of her.  I am also appreciative that she shares her knowledge because I learned so much.  I struggled with shading a face with acrylic paints and Tam uses watercolor crayons, which I am totally in love with by the way.  I am putting Caran D'ache Watercolor crayons on my wish list.  Love them.

I also love my message to me on this piece, "I am a beautiful spark of divinity."  I believe that we are all beautiful sparks of divinity but sometimes we don't know that or we can't see that.  The wounded pile up and we start to see ourselves through the sh*t colored glasses of self hate and self loathings.  To our eyes, that spark dies out, if it was ever there.  But it is there, in each and every one of us.  And as we start to go through the process of digging deep and healing our wounds, the glasses start to get clearer and we start to see the tiniest shimmer of that spark.  That shimmer is hope, and that hope can carry us through until we can take the glasses off and start to see that spark, start to see who we really are.  I've gone through that process.  To know me now is a completely different person from who I used to be.  I'm not sure I believed anything positive about my self in the past.  I struggled and felt crazy because I wasn't like everybody else.  I thought something was wrong with me, I thought everything was wrong with me.  I have such appreciation for the fact that I was that shell of a person and that I no longer am.  If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here.  And I love here.  I just want so much to help people work through their wounds, heal their wounds, and let go of their wounds so that they can finally see that they are indeed that beautiful spark of divinity.

I was just watching effy's vlog for today in which she shared some of her story.  I highly recommend you check it out, she, too, is another beautiful bright spirit, authentic and real and inspiring.  I commented to her that one of the things I find amazing about this authenticity movement that seems to be happening is that, as those of us who are wounded healers work through our wounds and share our wounds, we have the opportunity to teach others and to inspire others to walk through theirs.  I also shared with her that it is my goal to help as many people as possible to uncover the beautiful bright spirit that they are.  To help others dig deep and uncover that spirit.  I'm probably being repetitive and I don't mean to be, it is just something that is hugely important to me right now.  For me personally, it would be a waste to have gone through what I have in my life and not use it to help people.  That's just what's right for me.  I have a few projects I'm brainstorming right now and the purpose of those projects is to help people uncover their spirits.  I love what effy shares and the healing community she has at Wild Precious Studio.  I've only recently signed up but the energy of that community is amazing.  And it's free. Great appreciation to effy for putting that out there for us.

Art and healing, two things that pair so well together.  Art and creativity gets us in touch with that deeper higher part of ourselves.  It can be so therapeutic.  And I know that are other people who pair those two subjects and perhaps I'll do a search and share some of them with you at a later date.  In the meantime, it would be worth your time to check out these two women.

I am a beautiful spark of divinity.  You are a beautiful spark of divinity.  What one step, one question could bring you closer to realizing that.  At some level you know it's the truth.  At some level it resonates with you but the wounds and the limiting beliefs, misguided perceptions and false judgments make you doubt it could be true for you.  I know, I've been there.  I used to believe it was true for other people.  I used to believe that other people believed it about me.  Today, I don't just believe it's true for me, I know it's true for me.  And it's true for you too.

You have to ask yourself the tough questions

Well, at least I have to.  After I launched my Etsy shop, the thought occurred to me, "Is this really what I want?"  I didn't even want to say that question out loud at first.  After all, I had been wanting to open up an Etsy shop for quite some time, and I finally did it, and now I'm wondering if this that was what I really wanted?  Part of me was saying, "Tia, of course this is what you want, don't be ridiculous!"  But I couldn't ignore it.  I could tell it wasn't just doubt or a passing thought of craziness because, while I was saying how excited I was about it, I wasn't feeling the excitement.  I've recently read Ask and It Is Given, an amazing book by the way, and it says that our emotions are communication from our Inner Being, that higher part of ourselves, and I believe that.  I'm also becoming more aware of that, and I knew that feeling was trying to tell me something.  After I voiced it to myself, I felt I had to share it with someone very close and very important to me.  I needed to hear it out loud to someone else other than myself.  And yes, I do talk to myself often and I'm okay with that.  I'm so glad that I was aware of how I felt about my Etsy shop, and so glad that I paid attention to what those feelings were telling me.  I appreciate that I was willing to be honest with myself and examine that thought.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself because, honestly, at first I didn't appreciate it.  Well, it was that appreciation didn't enter my mind at the time.  I kept thinking about the question, "is this what I really want," and trying to figure out why I was feeling like I was feeling.  Why the excitement wasn't there.  I knew I wanted to sell my art on Etsy but I was missing something.  What was it?

On Easter Sunday I decided to catch up on a couple YouTube subscriptions of mine, effy wild and samantha kira harding.  They're both participating in a vlog every day for 30 days challenge.  I was watching one of effy's vlogs and she was talking about social networking as an artist and making sure who you are as a person is portrayed because people connect to people.  Something about that sparked something in me.  I got up and went outside to walk around my mom's pool, because that's what I do sometimes when inspiration hits and ideas start swirling around inside of my brain.  I realized that I, too, connect to people, to the person and their stories.  And while that may seem obvious to some, I hadn't paid attention to that until effy mentioned it.  And then suddenly I was thinking about the question that had popped up for me.  What was missing?  I love creating art and the idea of selling my art but, was that the avenue I was wanting to inspire and uplift people with.  Well, yes, but selling my art just wasn't enough.  I have to say that, I really love when pieces of the puzzle come together in that lightbulb moment of inspiration.  When that happens, I realize that the pieces were there the whole time, I just wasn't paying attention to all of them.  It was as if I was focusing on placing one piece in the wrong spot, turning and turning it and trying to force it in, and all the while I was ignoring the rest of the pieces sitting on the table, and the fact that the piece just didn't fit there.  What I wanted to do, what I've talked about a number of times, is to inspire people to be who they are.  And even more than that, I want to help people heal and inspire them and help them uncover who they truly are.  And that was it!  What I was feeling was a lack of fulfillment because I wasn't doing what I had originally said I wanted to do.  I set that intention and my Inner Being knew I wasn't totally in line with it.  Again, I still want to sell my art and I know that I can inspire and uplift through that.  But I want more.  I want to go deeper.  I want to help people get inside of themselves and uncover the beautiful spirit that lies within them, and in doing so, help them to be who they really are.  The ideas started flying and I sat down to brainstorm.  Right now, I'm not sure how to do it.  I might want to write a book, and it would probably make a good workshop.  Then all of these other pieces surfaced.  Intuitively I realized that I am a teacher and a healer.  And I remember a little over a year ago, I told my mom I was a healer, I intuitively knew it, felt it.  All these conversations I've had over the past year or more went buzzing through my head and I realized that I've been headed in this direction the entire time.  It was starring me in the face all along, I just didn't have the clarity to see it until now.

And that's when the appreciation settled in.  I had to take that step, open my shop, to realize that I wanted more than just that.  More contact, more connection, deeper work with people.  It wasn't a wrong step at all, but a step to help me fine tune my desires.  I think there are so many of us wounded healers out there, those of us who have the scars and who have done and are doing the interior work to heal and grow.  I've done that work, I continue to do that work and I want to help others with that process.  And that is something I am so passionate about.  And then effy mentioned wanting to become a Life Coach, which was funny (not funny ha ha) because that day, I was considering whether or not I wanted to get into Soul Coaching.  I want to help people heal and really, uncover who they are.  I don't mean to be repetitive but that point is really important to me.  I think it's a process of uncovering the beauty that's already there.  I realized that you can tell someone they're beautiful, talented, okay just the way they are- until you're blue in the face and it really won't matter.  Because somewhere deep inside their true spirit has been covered up by other people's opinions and beliefs, things they've attached to and decided to call their "truth."  And to help someone see that they are okay, you have to help them dig down deep and figure out what they're truth is and then teach them, inspire them, to let the old ideas go, decide on a new truth for themselves, and uncover their true beauty.

Like I said, I'm not sure what direction this will go in but I do trust the Universe to continue sending me guidance.  And that whole process amazes me because I acknowledged the question and how I was feeling and I was led to effy who, through her vlog, sparked a rememberance in me of what I've been saying I wanted to do, along with the realization that I wasn't doing it.  And then the Universe responded with all these ideas.  I'm feeling so inspired and so excited!  And this time I'm really feeling it, not just saying it and kind of feeling it.  I want to use my life and my experiences and all that I've learned through it all to help people.  And when you help someone, you contribute to All-That-Is because we're all connected.  We all come from the same Source, we are all an extension of that Source, here in physical form.

For now, I'm trusting that I'll be guided because I'm passionate about this and I know that people will be helped by whatever it is I come up with.  I'm jotting down ideas, letting them percolate in my mind and my soul and I'll be led to who and what I need to do this.  And in the meantime, I'm going to pick up my art supplies and experience the joy and passion of creating art.

Oh, and I just joined Wild Precious Studio, which is run by effy wild.  I suggest you check it out.  And what's on the front page, "be who you are," how serendipitous is that?  It's a community for "spiritual creatives."  And can I just say how much I love that term?  It is so me, and so all of the women who belong to that community.

That's all for now.  I feel like I was a bit rambly tonight, could be because it's 3:00am and I really should be sleeping.  Could also be that I had this all written out in my journal and it was flowy there, and I deviated from that, big time.  Good night all!  I hope you dream sweet delicious dreams that you wake up wanting to pull into your reality.

One last thing, I promise.  Check out samantha kira harding's latest vlog if you get a chance.  It is so brave and so real and hearfelt.  I love the rawness of it, how vulnerable she allowed herself to be in sharing her story.  Such an inspiration this girl has been to me.  

It's important to start where I'm at...

...and to realize that wherever that is, it's okay.  I'm not so much in an artsy place today; I'm much more in a reflective place today.  I have a lot of things on my mind.  And while I don't totally feel all of the appreciation for where I'm at, I'm feeling more and more appreciation every moment.

So, where am I at?  Well, today I celebrate 23 months clean and sober and I have to say that I am SO very appreciative of that.  Life has changed and opened up so much for me over the last 23 months, it's been beyond words.  It's as if I've uncovered myself.  I used to say that I found myself but really, who I really am was always inside of me, I just had to uncover her.  That is a gift that I'm not sure I can ever re-pay.

My unemployment ran out at the end of March so I've been looking for a job and wondering where I go from here.  I know that my wings are finally healed and I'm shooting for beyond the stars, but in the meantime, baby steps right?  And I suppose that's what I mean about starting where I'm at.  I'm no longer in a place where I want to focus on where I've been or where I am because I believe that just creates more of the same.  How can I ever move forward if I keep my eyes locked on what is?  Having said that, it's still important to know where you are and accept where you are and find the best feeling place that you can about where you are.  At least that's important for me.  I'm certainly not trying to tell anyone what's best for them.  I appreciate that I was able to get unemployment for as long as I did.  And I also appreciate more and more that it ended.  This week I opened my Etsy shop and I don't think I would've have done that yet otherwise.  And it's a good thing.  I've been wanting to do this for a long time and it felt good.  Of course, it was also one of those moments, and still sort of is, where I'm wondering, "is this what I really want?"  Strange I know.  I do want to sell my art, I know that.  But is this the avenue I want to use to do it?  Or is this the avenue in which I want to use my creativity to uplift and inspire people.  Yes, it was exciting.  But honestly, it wasn't as exciting as I expected it to be.  And that has me a little baffled.  So, I'm sitting with it, asking for guidance about it, and trusting that the guidance will come.  It always does.

I've also been reading a lot.  I've been guided by my Inner Being to read certain books and they are right on because it's where I'm at.  It always amazes me that when I'm in the place of allowing with something, and I ask for guidance, it comes.  And it's exactly what I need.  I believe that my life shows me where I'm at internally and what it is I need to work on.  Clues are surfacing in thoughts and dreams and realizations and so I'm working on the giant puzzle that is me right now.  Putting all the new pieces in place, trying to figure out where they go, asking for clarity.  And it doesn't always feel good, but that's okay.  I'm learning to reach the best feeling thought I have access to because I get to decide how I feel.  I've learned that I don't need to allow any one or any circumstance control over how I feel.  I can guide how I feel.  It's deeper than acceptance.  I can accept where I'm at.  The next level is finding a way to feel good about where I'm at while focusing on where I'm going and what I want to create in my life. And it's a process.  And I'm practicing.  Today I'm okay with not doing it perfectly.  I couldn't say that before.  In my past I tried so hard to be the perfect everything to everyone, so much so that Tia didn't exist.  Living my life that way broke me and I turned to other things to cope.  I am so glad that I broke because that's the process through which I uncovered the beautiful sparkling spirit that I am always becoming.  And I love who I am today.  I'm still quirky and crazy but today, I love that about me, because it's me.  It's no longer me pretending to be whatever everyone else wants and cracking under the pressure.  And it feels good today to look in the mirror and see ME.  So, like I said, I don't feel full appreciation for where I'm at, but I feel more and more of it all the time.  Because my life is showing me what I need to work on to progress and if my unemployment hadn't run out, I wouldn't be working on the pieces of me I'm working on right now.  And I want to work on those pieces.  I'm not willing to hold on to anything that holds me back because I don't have to today.

So, I have days where I'm energized and in vibrational alignment with who I am and in a state of allowing.  And then I have days where I'm working the kinks out of my vibration and I'm more focused on where I am than I'd like to be.  And both of those are okay.  At the risk of repeating myself, it's a process.  And thanks to the amazing books I've been reading lately, I know that I can always feel my way to a better place.  Because that natural state of joy is who I really am.  And it feels good to be there, to be in vibrational alignment, to be excited about the adventures that are ahead of me, that I'm creating for myself.  Each day my awareness of  how I feel and what I'm creating grows.  Each day more and more kinks are getting worked out of my vibration.  And in less than a month of practicing, I've seen improvements in my life.

What lies ahead for me?  Will I find a job?  Great things lie ahead for me, I truly believe that.  And opportunities are on their way, I feel them.  So I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other because it's all about the journey.  And if I have a few days where I take no steps or take a step or two back, that's okay too because overall, I'm moving forward.  I'm growing and expanding and learning more about who I really am and about life in general.  So, I'll keep reading, keep watching for clues, keep piecing them together, and keep find things to appreciate in my life because, there are so so many things.  And I'll continue to make art through the process of it all.  I trust that every experience is an opportunity for the growth of my soul, for my spiritual growth, and for the evolution of my consciousness.  Every bit of contrast I experience is an opportunity for me to create what I truly desire in my life.  I am the creator of my own reality, an extension of Source Energy, an extension of my Higher Power in physical form.  Life is good, and whether I'm feeling on top of the world or feeling the growing pains, I am always aware of that.  I am grateful.  I am blessed.  And life is truly amazing because I chose it to be.  And that's where I'm at right now.

And P.S.:  Happy Easter Everyone!

purses...

angel purse

Painting fabric is so much fun!  And at some point, I'd really like to design my own fabric.  Oh, and learn how to batik fabric too!  That's exciting to think about.  I enjoy designing and making purses and I'd like to design a specific fabric, more than just one, to line my purses with.  Actually, this is the first purse I've made in quite a while.  As with all of the creativity I play with, I enjoy every part of the process and I get so excited each step of the way.  I start hopping and dancing around and singing, "I'm loving it!"  It's fabulous.  It may seem crazy to some people but I don't really care about how anyone views it because that's my place of joy and that's what life is truly about, experiencing joy.

This is my latest purse, and as you can imagine, I love it!!!  I was reminded of a couple of things it's important to remember when creating fabric projects such as purses.  The most important being, "Seam allowance is my friend."  I'm thinking of writing that on a piece of paper and gluing it to my work space but I get so excited when I'm starting a project that sometimes I forget to stop and take seam allowance into consideration.  That's what happened with this purse.  I had planned on the sides being a total of two inches and so that's what I cut the fabric for.  Until I started sewing up the sides, I had totally forgotten to take seam allowance into consideration.  Oh well, it is what it is and at least it didn't really make that big of a difference to the design.

burlap people purse

The second thing being, "Try to think it through before cutting and sewing."  Again, I get so excited and wrapped up in the idea of creating a new design, I just want to start cutting and sewing and doing.  And then I get to a certain point, like sewing the liner in or the handles, I realize that I hadn't quite thought that through.  I have some great ideas and then I don't take the time to think through how certain parts of it will come together.  And really, I'm okay with that because it truly is a learning process.  I remember that the solutions to all of those things are waiting there for me and once I focus on the solutions and the answers, they come.  I know that if my mind can conceive it, there is a way to make it happen.  So, it's okay that I forget to do that on occasion because those occasions help me to remember the solutions.  I wouldn't trade the energy of creating a new project for anything, so if I get caught up in it and forget to think something through, then that's just the way it is.  At some point I'll stop to consider what needs to be thought through and sometimes I'll focus on the solutions and sometimes I'll get caught up in the problem.  Either way, it's all good because I grow and expand from the process of it and the artist and designer I'm becoming is as a result of those moments.

undersea purse

I think this "burlap people purse" is one of my favorites.  I love putting things together that don't necessarily look like they go together.  I love making purses out of materials that you might not think would make a good purse material.  I love that this purse is made from burlap.  I love the faux-suede material paired with the burlap.  I also love the painted fabric people, which I glued to wooden people figures.  I learned a lot from this purse.  And I know I get a bit repetitive when I say this but, I appreciate all that I learn from designing and making anything.  This poor purse fell apart a little.  This purse design was definitely me, the raw burlap, painted fabric people, and of course the message, "b. you."

Of course, I have my sister to thank for my journey into purse making because we were planning on starting a business making purses.  Although our ideas for our business have grown and are on hold for right now, I still love designing purses and plan on continuing to do so.  I have a number of ideas for purses and a number of them in-progress, waiting for a solution :)  I check in with them so often and see if they have anything new to tell me about who they want to be and if not, I let them sit.

Before I got clean and sober, and part way into my healing process afterwards, I wondered what part of me was in my art and my designs.  Looking back now from a confident place in who I am and who I am becoming, I see me a lot more than I did before.  I see that decisions such as pairing together a faux-ostrich with denim, two things you wouldn't think would go together, definitely speaks of who I am.  I like to do things different, I like to try things that seems like they may not work, I like sew metal on purses...anything unique and out of the ordinary.  It's a blast!  And when something doesn't work out, then I know.  And when it does, it's beyond words!  And that's where part of my passion lies when it comes to my creativity.  Part of what I so love about this journey!

Painting...

I love to paint.  I love the process of it.  I love how it mirrors life so much.  You start from where you are, layers are built, you aren't sure where in the world you're going but you trust and keep going.  You get signs along the way and if you follow them...magic.  I love this painting.  And what I love even more is that, when I stood back and looked at this background, the angels showed me this figure.  The skirt is made up of torn pieces of paper from something I wrote.  Usually, if I use torn paper, it's from an old book but this time I wanted the piece to have a certain energy, message and feel to it.  The name of this piece is "divinity."  "We are always becoming.  We are always gravitating towards our own divinity."  I love that message.  I showed this painting to my Mom as I was working on it and she said she wanted to buy it...YAY!  So very excited about that.  I've sold cards before but this will be the first painting that I've sold and that is pretty amazing.

face your fears

When I think about where I started with painting I'm amazed that already, this is where I'm at.  I think I've mentioned that my venture into painting started when samantha kira harding posted an invitation on her facebook page for a weekly paining circle.  Now, I've always loved to use paint in my work but didn't consider myself a painter.  Yet, something inside of me said to just go for it and give it a try, so, thankfully, I did.  This was my first painting, done in January.  It's title, "face your fears," was exactly where I was at.  I was afraid to paint, afraid to put myself out there but the desire to be who I really am and show people that became greater than my fear.  I worked through my fear in this painting.  I really do love the energy of it.  I remember working on this painting, just showing up and trusting Divine forces to pull out of me what I needed to say.  And when I was done, I was actually surprised at what came out.

no longer willing to hide

  When it came time to paint my week 2 painting the phrase, "I'm no longer willing to hide," kept appearing in my head.  I did the background for this one 3 times before it was the way I wanted it.  Whenever frustration wanted to creep in, I would remind myself how much I was learning about what I liked and didn't like, what worked and didn't work for me.  This painting isn't finished but I'm okay with where it's at for now.  I was proclaiming to myself that I'm no longer willing to hide who I really am, no longer willing to hide my love of art and creativity and certainly no longer willing to hide my talents.  I love the hands in the pupils, the creative hands that I want to show the world.
                                                                            

dig deep

Week 3 is probably still one of my favorites.  On occasion I would draw the face of these girls.  I love my girls, I love their round cheeks.  I was worried at first to actually paint one of my girls but once again I decided to just go for it and see how it turned out.  I am so very glad I did because I freakin love her so much!!!  I especially love her eyes, the color and the life in them, fab-u-lous!  I think I really could benefit from checking a thesaurus for other words to use besides "love" but for right now, I'm going to stick with that one.  I love so much about this painting.  I took a very slight turn toward mixed media with this one.  I used flexible modeling paste for her hair (which my son says looks like chocolate frosting), I used chipboard paisley shapes for her wings, and a tissue type paper that came with some flowers for her dress.  And can I just say how much I love her teeny tiny feet?  Too cute.  I had also purchased my first Golden Acrylic paint, green gold, which is a fabulous color.  I decided to write some words on the background and at first I thought I might ruin it.  But again, I decided to just do it and see how it worked out.  I love the message:  Dig deep to find the ties that bind you to the ground of other people's beliefs.  Release them -cut the ties-cut yourself free so that you can fly.  Again, that's where I had been personally.  I was releasing all of those beliefs, about being an artist especially, and cutting myself free and deciding what I really felt and believed about it.  I'm all about flying these days as you can tell from the "fly" fabric book I've been posting pictures of.

shining star

Painting four, "shining star."  At this point I'm not so much painting every week but I am still painting and the way I see it, that's really all that matters.  I originally painted different colors on this canvas but didn't like it so I gessoed it and painted over it.  It's definitely different but I like it.  I love the silver stars and how they pop out at you.  And of course, the message:  Close your eyes And let yourself see, The star that you Were created to be.  Seek your truth, Honor who you are, Shine brightly into the world, For you are a shining star!  And, as seems to be the pattern, this is another place I was at.  Realizing that it's my time to shine and that I was tired of sinking into the background for fear I would be taking away from someone else getting attention.  Silly when I think about it now but it was a necessary step on my path and I'm okay with it now.

drips

Paintings 5 & 6 have sat for quite some time as I wasn't sure if they were done.  Honestly, I'm still not sure.  They don't have a message, just me playing with paints and techniques.  The poor things don't even have names but I'm okay with that.  I learned from them both.  I had fun playing with paint drips which I was inspired to do by both donna downey and nolwenn petitbois.  And I like the drips, they're fun.  In the painting with the leaves, I had a lot of fun creating texture and layers.  And I so wish I had taken pictures of that one along the way because that was a painting that I looked at and said, "I have no idea where in the world this is going, I don't even know if I like it, but I'm going to stick with it and see where it goes."  Boy, am I so glad that I did because I really do like it.  I keep feeling like it needs something more but it has yet to tell me what it wants me to add to it so it just sits.


There are a couple of more that are in progress but not at a picture stage.  I love the painting group I jointed, there are very talented and encouraging women there and I am blessed to be a part of it.  I am so glad I decided to embark on this painting journey because I am in love with it!  As I grow and learn and progress, my painting and the rest of my art grows and progresses and I'm excited to see where it takes me.  It is one of the bravest places in my life because, when it comes to art, I dive right in and give it a try and see if it'll work.  And if it doesn't, I'm okay with that because I learn.  And isn't life really like that?  You dive in, you give it a try, you see if it works, you aren't sure along the way where the heck you are going but...when you get there, you look back and appreciate the journey.  For it's all a part of who we are and it is amazing and blissful and fantastic.  The process of becoming, always in that process of becoming.  And I don't know about you but I love the process of becoming.  So I'm going to keep painting, keep creating, keep exercising my creative muscles and see where it all takes me.  And I am going to enjoy the passion I have for art and the joy of creating it every step of the way.