Monday, May 16, 2011

mini meltdown

Yes, I had a mini meltdown today.  All of life's circumstances and all of my frustration and having to ask my mom if I could borrow money so I can take my child to school this week...the weight of it all hit me for some reason and the tears came.  And not just tears but sobs.  Crying does not come easy to me.  Not that I think there's anything wrong with crying, I actually envy the people who can cry easily because I am just not one of those people.  It has to be a big hurt for me to cry or a really sad movie.  But today apparently the weight of it all was too much.  And I needed it, I needed to allow that emotion to flow because sometimes I think I try to be too strong, if that makes any sense.  It's hard to explain.  I've shared that, once upon a time, I was a train wreck.  I used to think that there wasn't anything I could do that would be good enough for anyone, no matter the situation.  I used to think I wouldn't do anything that was worthy of somebody being proud of me.  I pulled myself out of that, with the help of the Divine, and as my healing progressed, I came to realize that I am good enough, what I do is good enough and I am proud of how far I've come.  I've worked very hard on my internal world, walking my spiritual journey, learning about myself, growing and healing.  And because I've worked so hard to get here, to this place where I know my worth, I have confidence, I love who I am, that I'm frustrated that I still live at my mom's and I'm having trouble finding a job so I have to ask people to help me.  I understand that sometimes we have to ask for help, it's part of life.  It's just that I've been here before, a version of here anyway.  And I know that life is a spiral and sometimes it seems like we're in the same place but we're in a better version of the same place.  In one week I'll celebrate 2 years clean and sober and so, I know, I'm not in the same place.  But I am in the same place of living in someone else's house, depending on the help of other's for money, and it frustrates me.  I understand that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I know to be appreciative of where I am because this experience is an opportunity for growth for me, but still...  I want to be independent.  I want to find a job.  I want a place to call me own.  The thing about doing all of this internal healing work is that, I know what to do to get to where I want to be.  However, something seems to still be in my energy that is keeping me here.  And so, I'm digging and examining and looking at myself as honestly as possible and looking for clues and trying to put it all together so I can see what it is that needs to be dealt with and healed so that I can move on.  And trust me, I am aware of the many blessings in all of this.  I am so appreciative that I do not wish to sit in the muck of where I'm at and at the same time, I am not willing to escape it either.  Where I am at and the issues that are coming up need to be worked through and healed and so I will do that because I will walk out of the other side of this a stronger, better, more healed person.  It just doesn't feel great at the moment and I know that's okay.  I am reaching for the best feeling thought I have access to right now and I know that doesn't mean I can go from mini meltdown to cartwheels; it doesn't work like that.  I know I need to bridge the gap and that's what I am doing.  I am hopeful, feeling a little down but still hopeful.  This too shall pass because life is constantly in motion so it's not possible for me to get stuck.  And I have the desire to work through this and heal through this so I know that I will.

I've had some major revelations in the past week and a half and that's a good thing.  I have to take responsibility for the fact that I'm wanting to be farther ahead of where I am and because I'm not I'm having a hard time.  This is also a lesson in faith for me as I cling to my faith that things will work out for the best for me because they always do.  And the issues I've hit on are big ones, and it was amazing to hit on them because it felt like, as I was sitting in the dark staring at the puzzle pieces, the light was suddenly turned on and all the puzzle pieces magically moved to their rightful positions.  It was a huge feel good aha moment and I am grateful.

I am the creator of my own reality and it I'm not seeing those things that I'm creating, it's because there is resistance in me.  So, I keep digging to find where it is.  Prayers are answered as these issues come up and I feel my way through them.  I know that I just have to accept that this is where I am right now, in this moment, and continue to work through this moment while I focus on where it is I'm going.  I feel like my thoughts are a little disorganized right now.  I almost didn't write this blog today but I want to be real, raw, and authentic and the only way to do that is to share that this is where I am.  This is where I've been, reflecting, digging, sorting through my life, figuring things out, and most importantly, healing.  Perspective will come, as will clarity and I'll look back on this with a great sense of love and appreciation for where it propelled me to.  It always works like that for me.  And like I said, I needed that mini meltdown today.  I needed that prayer in desperation, the I don't want to live like this anymore, dependent on other people for my home and security, I can do better than this now.  And what's funny is that, while I was in active addiction, I uttered that same prayer so many times, "I don't want to live like this anymore."  That desperation is such a gift because that desperation, 2 years ago, brought me to the point where I could stop the insanity and heal.  Those desperate prayers at that time were answered and here I am in this healthy, healing, clean and sober, whole place.  So again, on the spiral of life, in a higher place, I offered a similar prayer and I know it will be answered.

I think that's all for me today.  I'm hoping I made sense and wasn't too all over the place.  I needed this.  Needed to put it out here, get it out, allow myself to be vulnerable so that I could remember that I don't have to do this perfectly.  I don't have to always be so strong.  And really, as I write that I realize, who says that having a moment makes you any less strong?  What defines strength?  I don't see weakness in anyone else who has those moments.  Hmmm, holding myself up to those separate standards again.  That's good because I need to look at that.  Tears are not a sign of weakness.  A mini or major meltdown is not a sign of weakness either.  All it means is that I have very strong desires to be independent and have a job and a place of my own and I'm noticing I'm not there yet.  That's all it means.  There's strength in showing the world who you really are.  There's strength in looking honestly at all your deepest darkest depths and working toward healing them.  Because other people put themselves out there and that inspires me and I see them as strong authentic beautiful women who are helping so many people through the sharing of who they are.  And isn't that what I want to do, to help uplift and inspire people?  And the only way for me to do that and to continue learning how to do that is by working through my own stuff and sharing my journey.  So consider it shared for today.


  1. That was a wonderful fifth step.I'm sure you feel much better now,And its only one more step along the road. Enjoy the the journey that is where the happiness is..............not at the end!

  2. OH tia! I hope you feel better today!

    Thanks for visiting me and signing up for my giveaway. I'll have my fingers crossed for you!


  3. @Tee: thank you so much! I am feeling much better today, the day after that post I woke up feeling hopeful, I think I just needed to break through the emotional damn ya know? thanks again :)
    @Anonymous: thank you :)