Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You have to ask yourself the tough questions

Well, at least I have to.  After I launched my Etsy shop, the thought occurred to me, "Is this really what I want?"  I didn't even want to say that question out loud at first.  After all, I had been wanting to open up an Etsy shop for quite some time, and I finally did it, and now I'm wondering if this that was what I really wanted?  Part of me was saying, "Tia, of course this is what you want, don't be ridiculous!"  But I couldn't ignore it.  I could tell it wasn't just doubt or a passing thought of craziness because, while I was saying how excited I was about it, I wasn't feeling the excitement.  I've recently read Ask and It Is Given, an amazing book by the way, and it says that our emotions are communication from our Inner Being, that higher part of ourselves, and I believe that.  I'm also becoming more aware of that, and I knew that feeling was trying to tell me something.  After I voiced it to myself, I felt I had to share it with someone very close and very important to me.  I needed to hear it out loud to someone else other than myself.  And yes, I do talk to myself often and I'm okay with that.  I'm so glad that I was aware of how I felt about my Etsy shop, and so glad that I paid attention to what those feelings were telling me.  I appreciate that I was willing to be honest with myself and examine that thought.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself because, honestly, at first I didn't appreciate it.  Well, it was that appreciation didn't enter my mind at the time.  I kept thinking about the question, "is this what I really want," and trying to figure out why I was feeling like I was feeling.  Why the excitement wasn't there.  I knew I wanted to sell my art on Etsy but I was missing something.  What was it?

On Easter Sunday I decided to catch up on a couple YouTube subscriptions of mine, effy wild and samantha kira harding.  They're both participating in a vlog every day for 30 days challenge.  I was watching one of effy's vlogs and she was talking about social networking as an artist and making sure who you are as a person is portrayed because people connect to people.  Something about that sparked something in me.  I got up and went outside to walk around my mom's pool, because that's what I do sometimes when inspiration hits and ideas start swirling around inside of my brain.  I realized that I, too, connect to people, to the person and their stories.  And while that may seem obvious to some, I hadn't paid attention to that until effy mentioned it.  And then suddenly I was thinking about the question that had popped up for me.  What was missing?  I love creating art and the idea of selling my art but, was that the avenue I was wanting to inspire and uplift people with.  Well, yes, but selling my art just wasn't enough.  I have to say that, I really love when pieces of the puzzle come together in that lightbulb moment of inspiration.  When that happens, I realize that the pieces were there the whole time, I just wasn't paying attention to all of them.  It was as if I was focusing on placing one piece in the wrong spot, turning and turning it and trying to force it in, and all the while I was ignoring the rest of the pieces sitting on the table, and the fact that the piece just didn't fit there.  What I wanted to do, what I've talked about a number of times, is to inspire people to be who they are.  And even more than that, I want to help people heal and inspire them and help them uncover who they truly are.  And that was it!  What I was feeling was a lack of fulfillment because I wasn't doing what I had originally said I wanted to do.  I set that intention and my Inner Being knew I wasn't totally in line with it.  Again, I still want to sell my art and I know that I can inspire and uplift through that.  But I want more.  I want to go deeper.  I want to help people get inside of themselves and uncover the beautiful spirit that lies within them, and in doing so, help them to be who they really are.  The ideas started flying and I sat down to brainstorm.  Right now, I'm not sure how to do it.  I might want to write a book, and it would probably make a good workshop.  Then all of these other pieces surfaced.  Intuitively I realized that I am a teacher and a healer.  And I remember a little over a year ago, I told my mom I was a healer, I intuitively knew it, felt it.  All these conversations I've had over the past year or more went buzzing through my head and I realized that I've been headed in this direction the entire time.  It was starring me in the face all along, I just didn't have the clarity to see it until now.

And that's when the appreciation settled in.  I had to take that step, open my shop, to realize that I wanted more than just that.  More contact, more connection, deeper work with people.  It wasn't a wrong step at all, but a step to help me fine tune my desires.  I think there are so many of us wounded healers out there, those of us who have the scars and who have done and are doing the interior work to heal and grow.  I've done that work, I continue to do that work and I want to help others with that process.  And that is something I am so passionate about.  And then effy mentioned wanting to become a Life Coach, which was funny (not funny ha ha) because that day, I was considering whether or not I wanted to get into Soul Coaching.  I want to help people heal and really, uncover who they are.  I don't mean to be repetitive but that point is really important to me.  I think it's a process of uncovering the beauty that's already there.  I realized that you can tell someone they're beautiful, talented, okay just the way they are- until you're blue in the face and it really won't matter.  Because somewhere deep inside their true spirit has been covered up by other people's opinions and beliefs, things they've attached to and decided to call their "truth."  And to help someone see that they are okay, you have to help them dig down deep and figure out what they're truth is and then teach them, inspire them, to let the old ideas go, decide on a new truth for themselves, and uncover their true beauty.

Like I said, I'm not sure what direction this will go in but I do trust the Universe to continue sending me guidance.  And that whole process amazes me because I acknowledged the question and how I was feeling and I was led to effy who, through her vlog, sparked a rememberance in me of what I've been saying I wanted to do, along with the realization that I wasn't doing it.  And then the Universe responded with all these ideas.  I'm feeling so inspired and so excited!  And this time I'm really feeling it, not just saying it and kind of feeling it.  I want to use my life and my experiences and all that I've learned through it all to help people.  And when you help someone, you contribute to All-That-Is because we're all connected.  We all come from the same Source, we are all an extension of that Source, here in physical form.

For now, I'm trusting that I'll be guided because I'm passionate about this and I know that people will be helped by whatever it is I come up with.  I'm jotting down ideas, letting them percolate in my mind and my soul and I'll be led to who and what I need to do this.  And in the meantime, I'm going to pick up my art supplies and experience the joy and passion of creating art.

Oh, and I just joined Wild Precious Studio, which is run by effy wild.  I suggest you check it out.  And what's on the front page, "be who you are," how serendipitous is that?  It's a community for "spiritual creatives."  And can I just say how much I love that term?  It is so me, and so all of the women who belong to that community.

That's all for now.  I feel like I was a bit rambly tonight, could be because it's 3:00am and I really should be sleeping.  Could also be that I had this all written out in my journal and it was flowy there, and I deviated from that, big time.  Good night all!  I hope you dream sweet delicious dreams that you wake up wanting to pull into your reality.

One last thing, I promise.  Check out samantha kira harding's latest vlog if you get a chance.  It is so brave and so real and hearfelt.  I love the rawness of it, how vulnerable she allowed herself to be in sharing her story.  Such an inspiration this girl has been to me.  

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