Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's important to start where I'm at...

...and to realize that wherever that is, it's okay.  I'm not so much in an artsy place today; I'm much more in a reflective place today.  I have a lot of things on my mind.  And while I don't totally feel all of the appreciation for where I'm at, I'm feeling more and more appreciation every moment.

So, where am I at?  Well, today I celebrate 23 months clean and sober and I have to say that I am SO very appreciative of that.  Life has changed and opened up so much for me over the last 23 months, it's been beyond words.  It's as if I've uncovered myself.  I used to say that I found myself but really, who I really am was always inside of me, I just had to uncover her.  That is a gift that I'm not sure I can ever re-pay.

My unemployment ran out at the end of March so I've been looking for a job and wondering where I go from here.  I know that my wings are finally healed and I'm shooting for beyond the stars, but in the meantime, baby steps right?  And I suppose that's what I mean about starting where I'm at.  I'm no longer in a place where I want to focus on where I've been or where I am because I believe that just creates more of the same.  How can I ever move forward if I keep my eyes locked on what is?  Having said that, it's still important to know where you are and accept where you are and find the best feeling place that you can about where you are.  At least that's important for me.  I'm certainly not trying to tell anyone what's best for them.  I appreciate that I was able to get unemployment for as long as I did.  And I also appreciate more and more that it ended.  This week I opened my Etsy shop and I don't think I would've have done that yet otherwise.  And it's a good thing.  I've been wanting to do this for a long time and it felt good.  Of course, it was also one of those moments, and still sort of is, where I'm wondering, "is this what I really want?"  Strange I know.  I do want to sell my art, I know that.  But is this the avenue I want to use to do it?  Or is this the avenue in which I want to use my creativity to uplift and inspire people.  Yes, it was exciting.  But honestly, it wasn't as exciting as I expected it to be.  And that has me a little baffled.  So, I'm sitting with it, asking for guidance about it, and trusting that the guidance will come.  It always does.

I've also been reading a lot.  I've been guided by my Inner Being to read certain books and they are right on because it's where I'm at.  It always amazes me that when I'm in the place of allowing with something, and I ask for guidance, it comes.  And it's exactly what I need.  I believe that my life shows me where I'm at internally and what it is I need to work on.  Clues are surfacing in thoughts and dreams and realizations and so I'm working on the giant puzzle that is me right now.  Putting all the new pieces in place, trying to figure out where they go, asking for clarity.  And it doesn't always feel good, but that's okay.  I'm learning to reach the best feeling thought I have access to because I get to decide how I feel.  I've learned that I don't need to allow any one or any circumstance control over how I feel.  I can guide how I feel.  It's deeper than acceptance.  I can accept where I'm at.  The next level is finding a way to feel good about where I'm at while focusing on where I'm going and what I want to create in my life. And it's a process.  And I'm practicing.  Today I'm okay with not doing it perfectly.  I couldn't say that before.  In my past I tried so hard to be the perfect everything to everyone, so much so that Tia didn't exist.  Living my life that way broke me and I turned to other things to cope.  I am so glad that I broke because that's the process through which I uncovered the beautiful sparkling spirit that I am always becoming.  And I love who I am today.  I'm still quirky and crazy but today, I love that about me, because it's me.  It's no longer me pretending to be whatever everyone else wants and cracking under the pressure.  And it feels good today to look in the mirror and see ME.  So, like I said, I don't feel full appreciation for where I'm at, but I feel more and more of it all the time.  Because my life is showing me what I need to work on to progress and if my unemployment hadn't run out, I wouldn't be working on the pieces of me I'm working on right now.  And I want to work on those pieces.  I'm not willing to hold on to anything that holds me back because I don't have to today.

So, I have days where I'm energized and in vibrational alignment with who I am and in a state of allowing.  And then I have days where I'm working the kinks out of my vibration and I'm more focused on where I am than I'd like to be.  And both of those are okay.  At the risk of repeating myself, it's a process.  And thanks to the amazing books I've been reading lately, I know that I can always feel my way to a better place.  Because that natural state of joy is who I really am.  And it feels good to be there, to be in vibrational alignment, to be excited about the adventures that are ahead of me, that I'm creating for myself.  Each day my awareness of  how I feel and what I'm creating grows.  Each day more and more kinks are getting worked out of my vibration.  And in less than a month of practicing, I've seen improvements in my life.

What lies ahead for me?  Will I find a job?  Great things lie ahead for me, I truly believe that.  And opportunities are on their way, I feel them.  So I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other because it's all about the journey.  And if I have a few days where I take no steps or take a step or two back, that's okay too because overall, I'm moving forward.  I'm growing and expanding and learning more about who I really am and about life in general.  So, I'll keep reading, keep watching for clues, keep piecing them together, and keep find things to appreciate in my life because, there are so so many things.  And I'll continue to make art through the process of it all.  I trust that every experience is an opportunity for the growth of my soul, for my spiritual growth, and for the evolution of my consciousness.  Every bit of contrast I experience is an opportunity for me to create what I truly desire in my life.  I am the creator of my own reality, an extension of Source Energy, an extension of my Higher Power in physical form.  Life is good, and whether I'm feeling on top of the world or feeling the growing pains, I am always aware of that.  I am grateful.  I am blessed.  And life is truly amazing because I chose it to be.  And that's where I'm at right now.

And P.S.:  Happy Easter Everyone!


  1. I loved reading about your journey, and I'm excited to see where your healed wings take you. <3

  2. thank you effy! It's funny, I feel like a celebrity has read and commented on my blog, I feel giddy! :)