Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Why am I running?

Sometimes I just feel things.  I get a sense of them.  It's not anything I can touch or describe or see, it's just something I feel.  Sometimes it's also a knowing, but not always because I'm not always trusting of that sense that I feel.

Recently I have felt something coming - big changes for me, my life, where I live.  I can't describe it, I'm not sure exactly what shape it'll take, I just feel it.  That feeling has gotten stronger and stronger and has started to approach knowing.  The reason it has only approached knowing is because of something I realized this morning; I felt it coming, I approached knowingness...and I turned around and started to run.  After all of the healing work I've done to get to where I am, why on Earth would I run?  I am not entirely sure.  I just know that I realized it and I had to face it.

Chances are it's an old patterned behavior.  It's a behavior that's no longer acceptable to me.  It's no longer acceptable to act as if I don't remember who I really am.  In the book, Home With God: In A Life That Never Ends, by Neale Donald Walsch, I read: "Now the final question is not whether or not you will continue to remember, but whether or not you will continue to act as if you do not."  While I always write down quotes and bits of information from all the books I read, this stood out to me so much that I posted it in places I would see it so that I would remember.

As I made the choice to act as if I remember who I really am, based on my truth, and as I came closer to the knowing that changes are coming for me...I turned around and ran.  Then today, I slowed down to a walk because I realized what I was doing.  I took a look at compulsive behaviors and backwards steps I've made over the past couple of days and I asked myself what was going on?  I asked for clarity and clarity came as the soft voice in my head told me, "I'm running away."  Is it self-sabotage?  It could be.

And I'm not talking any horrible behaviors, just some things I've slacked off on.  I was cutting down on smoking cigarettes, in an effort to become a non-smoker and honor myself, my body, and my life.  I realized that smoking is a self-destructive habit, for me, and is a life-threatening, instead of a life affirming, behavior and it no longer works for me.  Yet, the past couple of days I've started smoking more again and I can feel the affects in my chest and throat and I don't like it.  I also stared walking and jogging again, after stopping for two years, and I love it.  However, despite how good it makes me feel, I've seriously slacked off on that the past week.  I was getting to a point where I was meditating every day, sometimes twice a day, because I enjoy the clarity and the closeness I feel to divinity when I meditate.  Again, I have been slacking off on that as well.  Every morning and every evening I have a conversation with my Creator and yesterday, I didn't do that in the morning.  When I don't do that, I feel the effects of it on my day.  I had resistance to it yesterday and today but today I pushed through the resistance.  The fact that I've slacked off on these things that have become important to me was a huge clue that something isn't right in my internal world.

As I sit here writing this, I feel as if I am standing still now.  I know that running doesn't serve me and I am not going to do it anymore.  I feel like I am standing here looking at where and what I am running from, then looking at where in the hell I think I am running to, and I am bringing light to why I am doing it.  And I am realizing that this moment, as well as each moment of this life, is a gift my soul sent me so that I would remember who I really am.  I appreciate this gift that is reminding me.  And there is growth in this because I caught it in a matter of a couple of days.  There's growth because I recognize what I am doing and I realize that it's an illusion I created to remind me, again, of who I really am.  I also realize that, in taking some steps back, I better appreciate where I was at.  True, I am only a few steps away, but those few steps have given me appreciation for where I have come to and who I have become.

With each choice I make about who I wish to be, things come creeping out of the shadows withing me and I can shine a light on them and look at them, observe them, and decide what they mean to me.  I am the creator of my own reality, the director of my movie, and I have the most brilliantly beautiful picture of my life painted.  And each choice brings me an opportunity to release patterns and energy that no longer work for me.  And in that release I move closer to that picture.

It no longer serves me to act like I don't remember who I really am.  It no longer serves me to hold on to old patterned behavior and energies that sabotage me, that I use to sabotage myself.  That's the old me.  That's not who I am today, nor is it who I am choosing to become.  So, I'll continue to stand here with my spotlight, shining it on my shadow energies, facing them and releasing my grasp on them.  Amazing things are coming, I can feel it.  And I choose to stop running from them and choose instead to run right into them.


  1. I am an x smoker, and had to quit for a life changing surgery in 2004. It was very hard, everytime I go to quit I would not buy 2 packs of cigs, I would buy a carton. But I finally quit with much praying. I have since taken a puff or two but nothing major. One time I took a puff and fell backwards stratching up my back really bad. So though I do not stand up anymore to take a puff, I try not to take one at all. Only find myself wanting one when I am really ticked off. Great choice - just ram into them.

  2. I'm an ex smoker too..I was very fortunate in that I had a major ephiphany about how I was doing something so in conflict with my beliefs. It wasn't a mental awareness, I already knew how bad it was, it was a KNOWING, much like you were aware of, an unexplainable something just came over me. I broke down sobbing and asked that the Creator lift it from me, lift this smoking dis-ease and the dis-ease that causes me to want to separate myself from health and healing and a complete KNOWING of Spirit. I dropped to my knees and poured myself out before Spirit. When I got up, I knew it had been lifted. It's been four years and although on occasion I have a slight craving, I haven't smoked and I won't because for me it would be like mocking the Creator. The changes in my life, from giving up drugs and alcohol, have always started with spiritual shifts. Allow yourself to move deeper into this KNOWING. It's a wonderful path!

    Blessings to you and yours!