It's important to start where I'm at...

...and to realize that wherever that is, it's okay.  I'm not so much in an artsy place today; I'm much more in a reflective place today.  I have a lot of things on my mind.  And while I don't totally feel all of the appreciation for where I'm at, I'm feeling more and more appreciation every moment.

So, where am I at?  Well, today I celebrate 23 months clean and sober and I have to say that I am SO very appreciative of that.  Life has changed and opened up so much for me over the last 23 months, it's been beyond words.  It's as if I've uncovered myself.  I used to say that I found myself but really, who I really am was always inside of me, I just had to uncover her.  That is a gift that I'm not sure I can ever re-pay.

My unemployment ran out at the end of March so I've been looking for a job and wondering where I go from here.  I know that my wings are finally healed and I'm shooting for beyond the stars, but in the meantime, baby steps right?  And I suppose that's what I mean about starting where I'm at.  I'm no longer in a place where I want to focus on where I've been or where I am because I believe that just creates more of the same.  How can I ever move forward if I keep my eyes locked on what is?  Having said that, it's still important to know where you are and accept where you are and find the best feeling place that you can about where you are.  At least that's important for me.  I'm certainly not trying to tell anyone what's best for them.  I appreciate that I was able to get unemployment for as long as I did.  And I also appreciate more and more that it ended.  This week I opened my Etsy shop and I don't think I would've have done that yet otherwise.  And it's a good thing.  I've been wanting to do this for a long time and it felt good.  Of course, it was also one of those moments, and still sort of is, where I'm wondering, "is this what I really want?"  Strange I know.  I do want to sell my art, I know that.  But is this the avenue I want to use to do it?  Or is this the avenue in which I want to use my creativity to uplift and inspire people.  Yes, it was exciting.  But honestly, it wasn't as exciting as I expected it to be.  And that has me a little baffled.  So, I'm sitting with it, asking for guidance about it, and trusting that the guidance will come.  It always does.

I've also been reading a lot.  I've been guided by my Inner Being to read certain books and they are right on because it's where I'm at.  It always amazes me that when I'm in the place of allowing with something, and I ask for guidance, it comes.  And it's exactly what I need.  I believe that my life shows me where I'm at internally and what it is I need to work on.  Clues are surfacing in thoughts and dreams and realizations and so I'm working on the giant puzzle that is me right now.  Putting all the new pieces in place, trying to figure out where they go, asking for clarity.  And it doesn't always feel good, but that's okay.  I'm learning to reach the best feeling thought I have access to because I get to decide how I feel.  I've learned that I don't need to allow any one or any circumstance control over how I feel.  I can guide how I feel.  It's deeper than acceptance.  I can accept where I'm at.  The next level is finding a way to feel good about where I'm at while focusing on where I'm going and what I want to create in my life. And it's a process.  And I'm practicing.  Today I'm okay with not doing it perfectly.  I couldn't say that before.  In my past I tried so hard to be the perfect everything to everyone, so much so that Tia didn't exist.  Living my life that way broke me and I turned to other things to cope.  I am so glad that I broke because that's the process through which I uncovered the beautiful sparkling spirit that I am always becoming.  And I love who I am today.  I'm still quirky and crazy but today, I love that about me, because it's me.  It's no longer me pretending to be whatever everyone else wants and cracking under the pressure.  And it feels good today to look in the mirror and see ME.  So, like I said, I don't feel full appreciation for where I'm at, but I feel more and more of it all the time.  Because my life is showing me what I need to work on to progress and if my unemployment hadn't run out, I wouldn't be working on the pieces of me I'm working on right now.  And I want to work on those pieces.  I'm not willing to hold on to anything that holds me back because I don't have to today.

So, I have days where I'm energized and in vibrational alignment with who I am and in a state of allowing.  And then I have days where I'm working the kinks out of my vibration and I'm more focused on where I am than I'd like to be.  And both of those are okay.  At the risk of repeating myself, it's a process.  And thanks to the amazing books I've been reading lately, I know that I can always feel my way to a better place.  Because that natural state of joy is who I really am.  And it feels good to be there, to be in vibrational alignment, to be excited about the adventures that are ahead of me, that I'm creating for myself.  Each day my awareness of  how I feel and what I'm creating grows.  Each day more and more kinks are getting worked out of my vibration.  And in less than a month of practicing, I've seen improvements in my life.

What lies ahead for me?  Will I find a job?  Great things lie ahead for me, I truly believe that.  And opportunities are on their way, I feel them.  So I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other because it's all about the journey.  And if I have a few days where I take no steps or take a step or two back, that's okay too because overall, I'm moving forward.  I'm growing and expanding and learning more about who I really am and about life in general.  So, I'll keep reading, keep watching for clues, keep piecing them together, and keep find things to appreciate in my life because, there are so so many things.  And I'll continue to make art through the process of it all.  I trust that every experience is an opportunity for the growth of my soul, for my spiritual growth, and for the evolution of my consciousness.  Every bit of contrast I experience is an opportunity for me to create what I truly desire in my life.  I am the creator of my own reality, an extension of Source Energy, an extension of my Higher Power in physical form.  Life is good, and whether I'm feeling on top of the world or feeling the growing pains, I am always aware of that.  I am grateful.  I am blessed.  And life is truly amazing because I chose it to be.  And that's where I'm at right now.

And P.S.:  Happy Easter Everyone!

purses...

angel purse

Painting fabric is so much fun!  And at some point, I'd really like to design my own fabric.  Oh, and learn how to batik fabric too!  That's exciting to think about.  I enjoy designing and making purses and I'd like to design a specific fabric, more than just one, to line my purses with.  Actually, this is the first purse I've made in quite a while.  As with all of the creativity I play with, I enjoy every part of the process and I get so excited each step of the way.  I start hopping and dancing around and singing, "I'm loving it!"  It's fabulous.  It may seem crazy to some people but I don't really care about how anyone views it because that's my place of joy and that's what life is truly about, experiencing joy.

This is my latest purse, and as you can imagine, I love it!!!  I was reminded of a couple of things it's important to remember when creating fabric projects such as purses.  The most important being, "Seam allowance is my friend."  I'm thinking of writing that on a piece of paper and gluing it to my work space but I get so excited when I'm starting a project that sometimes I forget to stop and take seam allowance into consideration.  That's what happened with this purse.  I had planned on the sides being a total of two inches and so that's what I cut the fabric for.  Until I started sewing up the sides, I had totally forgotten to take seam allowance into consideration.  Oh well, it is what it is and at least it didn't really make that big of a difference to the design.

burlap people purse

The second thing being, "Try to think it through before cutting and sewing."  Again, I get so excited and wrapped up in the idea of creating a new design, I just want to start cutting and sewing and doing.  And then I get to a certain point, like sewing the liner in or the handles, I realize that I hadn't quite thought that through.  I have some great ideas and then I don't take the time to think through how certain parts of it will come together.  And really, I'm okay with that because it truly is a learning process.  I remember that the solutions to all of those things are waiting there for me and once I focus on the solutions and the answers, they come.  I know that if my mind can conceive it, there is a way to make it happen.  So, it's okay that I forget to do that on occasion because those occasions help me to remember the solutions.  I wouldn't trade the energy of creating a new project for anything, so if I get caught up in it and forget to think something through, then that's just the way it is.  At some point I'll stop to consider what needs to be thought through and sometimes I'll focus on the solutions and sometimes I'll get caught up in the problem.  Either way, it's all good because I grow and expand from the process of it and the artist and designer I'm becoming is as a result of those moments.

undersea purse

I think this "burlap people purse" is one of my favorites.  I love putting things together that don't necessarily look like they go together.  I love making purses out of materials that you might not think would make a good purse material.  I love that this purse is made from burlap.  I love the faux-suede material paired with the burlap.  I also love the painted fabric people, which I glued to wooden people figures.  I learned a lot from this purse.  And I know I get a bit repetitive when I say this but, I appreciate all that I learn from designing and making anything.  This poor purse fell apart a little.  This purse design was definitely me, the raw burlap, painted fabric people, and of course the message, "b. you."

Of course, I have my sister to thank for my journey into purse making because we were planning on starting a business making purses.  Although our ideas for our business have grown and are on hold for right now, I still love designing purses and plan on continuing to do so.  I have a number of ideas for purses and a number of them in-progress, waiting for a solution :)  I check in with them so often and see if they have anything new to tell me about who they want to be and if not, I let them sit.

Before I got clean and sober, and part way into my healing process afterwards, I wondered what part of me was in my art and my designs.  Looking back now from a confident place in who I am and who I am becoming, I see me a lot more than I did before.  I see that decisions such as pairing together a faux-ostrich with denim, two things you wouldn't think would go together, definitely speaks of who I am.  I like to do things different, I like to try things that seems like they may not work, I like sew metal on purses...anything unique and out of the ordinary.  It's a blast!  And when something doesn't work out, then I know.  And when it does, it's beyond words!  And that's where part of my passion lies when it comes to my creativity.  Part of what I so love about this journey!

Painting...

I love to paint.  I love the process of it.  I love how it mirrors life so much.  You start from where you are, layers are built, you aren't sure where in the world you're going but you trust and keep going.  You get signs along the way and if you follow them...magic.  I love this painting.  And what I love even more is that, when I stood back and looked at this background, the angels showed me this figure.  The skirt is made up of torn pieces of paper from something I wrote.  Usually, if I use torn paper, it's from an old book but this time I wanted the piece to have a certain energy, message and feel to it.  The name of this piece is "divinity."  "We are always becoming.  We are always gravitating towards our own divinity."  I love that message.  I showed this painting to my Mom as I was working on it and she said she wanted to buy it...YAY!  So very excited about that.  I've sold cards before but this will be the first painting that I've sold and that is pretty amazing.

face your fears

When I think about where I started with painting I'm amazed that already, this is where I'm at.  I think I've mentioned that my venture into painting started when samantha kira harding posted an invitation on her facebook page for a weekly paining circle.  Now, I've always loved to use paint in my work but didn't consider myself a painter.  Yet, something inside of me said to just go for it and give it a try, so, thankfully, I did.  This was my first painting, done in January.  It's title, "face your fears," was exactly where I was at.  I was afraid to paint, afraid to put myself out there but the desire to be who I really am and show people that became greater than my fear.  I worked through my fear in this painting.  I really do love the energy of it.  I remember working on this painting, just showing up and trusting Divine forces to pull out of me what I needed to say.  And when I was done, I was actually surprised at what came out.

no longer willing to hide

  When it came time to paint my week 2 painting the phrase, "I'm no longer willing to hide," kept appearing in my head.  I did the background for this one 3 times before it was the way I wanted it.  Whenever frustration wanted to creep in, I would remind myself how much I was learning about what I liked and didn't like, what worked and didn't work for me.  This painting isn't finished but I'm okay with where it's at for now.  I was proclaiming to myself that I'm no longer willing to hide who I really am, no longer willing to hide my love of art and creativity and certainly no longer willing to hide my talents.  I love the hands in the pupils, the creative hands that I want to show the world.
                                                                            

dig deep

Week 3 is probably still one of my favorites.  On occasion I would draw the face of these girls.  I love my girls, I love their round cheeks.  I was worried at first to actually paint one of my girls but once again I decided to just go for it and see how it turned out.  I am so very glad I did because I freakin love her so much!!!  I especially love her eyes, the color and the life in them, fab-u-lous!  I think I really could benefit from checking a thesaurus for other words to use besides "love" but for right now, I'm going to stick with that one.  I love so much about this painting.  I took a very slight turn toward mixed media with this one.  I used flexible modeling paste for her hair (which my son says looks like chocolate frosting), I used chipboard paisley shapes for her wings, and a tissue type paper that came with some flowers for her dress.  And can I just say how much I love her teeny tiny feet?  Too cute.  I had also purchased my first Golden Acrylic paint, green gold, which is a fabulous color.  I decided to write some words on the background and at first I thought I might ruin it.  But again, I decided to just do it and see how it worked out.  I love the message:  Dig deep to find the ties that bind you to the ground of other people's beliefs.  Release them -cut the ties-cut yourself free so that you can fly.  Again, that's where I had been personally.  I was releasing all of those beliefs, about being an artist especially, and cutting myself free and deciding what I really felt and believed about it.  I'm all about flying these days as you can tell from the "fly" fabric book I've been posting pictures of.

shining star

Painting four, "shining star."  At this point I'm not so much painting every week but I am still painting and the way I see it, that's really all that matters.  I originally painted different colors on this canvas but didn't like it so I gessoed it and painted over it.  It's definitely different but I like it.  I love the silver stars and how they pop out at you.  And of course, the message:  Close your eyes And let yourself see, The star that you Were created to be.  Seek your truth, Honor who you are, Shine brightly into the world, For you are a shining star!  And, as seems to be the pattern, this is another place I was at.  Realizing that it's my time to shine and that I was tired of sinking into the background for fear I would be taking away from someone else getting attention.  Silly when I think about it now but it was a necessary step on my path and I'm okay with it now.

drips

Paintings 5 & 6 have sat for quite some time as I wasn't sure if they were done.  Honestly, I'm still not sure.  They don't have a message, just me playing with paints and techniques.  The poor things don't even have names but I'm okay with that.  I learned from them both.  I had fun playing with paint drips which I was inspired to do by both donna downey and nolwenn petitbois.  And I like the drips, they're fun.  In the painting with the leaves, I had a lot of fun creating texture and layers.  And I so wish I had taken pictures of that one along the way because that was a painting that I looked at and said, "I have no idea where in the world this is going, I don't even know if I like it, but I'm going to stick with it and see where it goes."  Boy, am I so glad that I did because I really do like it.  I keep feeling like it needs something more but it has yet to tell me what it wants me to add to it so it just sits.


There are a couple of more that are in progress but not at a picture stage.  I love the painting group I jointed, there are very talented and encouraging women there and I am blessed to be a part of it.  I am so glad I decided to embark on this painting journey because I am in love with it!  As I grow and learn and progress, my painting and the rest of my art grows and progresses and I'm excited to see where it takes me.  It is one of the bravest places in my life because, when it comes to art, I dive right in and give it a try and see if it'll work.  And if it doesn't, I'm okay with that because I learn.  And isn't life really like that?  You dive in, you give it a try, you see if it works, you aren't sure along the way where the heck you are going but...when you get there, you look back and appreciate the journey.  For it's all a part of who we are and it is amazing and blissful and fantastic.  The process of becoming, always in that process of becoming.  And I don't know about you but I love the process of becoming.  So I'm going to keep painting, keep creating, keep exercising my creative muscles and see where it all takes me.  And I am going to enjoy the passion I have for art and the joy of creating it every step of the way.

Can I just say...

...how very much I am in the place of LOVING this (in a sing-song voice) with this page?

This is page 2 of the fabric book I am working on and I am so happy to have finished it today!  It's fabulous!  I love everything about this page.  I love how well the materials came together to beautifully illustrate this part of the poem I wrote.  I love that I showed up and allowed my Creator to pull this out of me.  I love the colors, the ones that are faded and the ones that pop.  I love the fabric that I painted for the wings and the beads.  I love the dimension of it and how things pop off the page, which you can see a little better in this next pic.

And I think my favorite part are the clay faces.  I saw them in my head and when they were done they turned out far better than I had imagined.  I even love what didn't work out and how I decided to go with it and that I loved the result anyway.  It reminds me of life, how some things don't work out like I expect but if I trust the Universe, have faith in my Creator, and just allow it all to be what it is, it ends up working out.

This project is so personal for me because it is what I'm walking right now.  For most of my life I listened to the voices of the past, the voices of "others" who told me what I "should" do and who I "should" be.  They told me who I was and I chose to believe them because I didn't know better.  Now I am in a place where I do know better.  A place where I'm  no longer allowing myself to be led around by the voices of those "others."  I am in a place where I am choosing to listen to my Inner Voice, that still quiet Inner Guidance because that is the only voice that knows what is best for me because it is the voice of my Higher Power.  There are so many people in life who think they know what is best for us, who have all of these perceptions and beliefs about life, that aren't true by the way, and that they feel it necessary to impose upon us.  Those people don't know what is good for me.  They don't know what is in the interest of my Highest good.  And since I stopped "shoulding" all over myself and allowing others to "should" all over me and started listening to that wisdom within me, life has gotten increasingly better.

This process of exercising my creative muscles everyday, of letting Divine Inspiration flow through me, of mixed media poetry illustration, is beyond amazing.  I have so much gratitude for being able to do this, of being given this gift of passion for creativity.  I am truly blessed!  

what i've been up to this week...

I have been SO inspired this week!!  donna downey has been doing an inspiration week on her blog and the project she’s doing is absolutely beautiful!  If you are a lover of all things creative, I encourage you to go check it out.  She has inspired most of my creativity this week and I am loving every bit of it!  I made a fabric book back in January, I think?  The book itself was inspired by a canvas book that donna did which you can find here.  The subject of my book, which is “FLY,” is very much inspired by where I am at right now.  This healing journey has been amazing for me and I’m very much at a place where I am cutting the ties that bind me to the ground of other people’s beliefs about me so that I can fly.  I want to spread my wings and soar and just be who I am, be who I was created to be, instead of trying to stuff myself into the box of other people’s beliefs about who I “should” be.  I did that for most of my life and it's no longer acceptable to me.  This is the cover, which I did in January.  The binding is latch hooked with denim and pieces of fabric, inspired by traci bautista in her book "Collage Unleashed."  

In February I wrote this poem about flying and trusting the voice of my inner guidance and higher self.  While I was working on the first page of this book, it, the poem flashed in my head, a message that it, too, needed to be part of this creation.  I love the whole process of creativity, it reminds me of life.  I had an idea and tried it but it didn’t quite work out like I expected.  But instead of allowing that to stop me in my tracks, I flowed with it because I wanted to see where it would take me and I absolutely LOVE it!  It makes me smile! 

It brings me joy and brought me joy while I was creating it and really, isn’t that part of what creating is all about?  Create for the sheer joy of it because there’s a passion for it in your soul, because you can’t imagine life without it, because it is such an integral part of who you are that it pains you not to do it.  With each discovery and each new layer it reveals more to you about itself, about who and what the creation is supposed to be.  It’s an awe inspiring process.  I want to stay immersed in it and use it to serve.  I want to inspire people, help people heal, touch their lives and share beauty with the world because I have a passion to use my creativity to do those things.  This week I’ve been reflecting about that.  Using my art to do those things is great but I’m feeling like a need a more focused direction.  How do I want to use my art to do those things?  I’ve put the question out to the Universe and my Creator and I trust it will be shown to me.  At the same time I’m wanting to exercise my creative muscles more and more, to allow my Creator to pull out that which lies deep within me.  I’m not sure I really have a style, a method of creating that says “me.”  And I know that’s okay because it’s all part of the process.  But I also know that the only way to do that is to exercise those creative muscles, to create every day, to show up and allow Divine Inspiration to flow through me.  While everything that I have created carries a piece of me, this fabric book is perhaps the most personal thing I’ve created because it deeply touches where I am at right now.  Aside from my poetry, that is, because my poetry has almost always reflected where I’m at, unless it was written for someone else.  That’s another thing I love about this fabric book is that it incorporates my poetry that I have tried to do with greeting cards as well but it’s just not the same thing.  While there may be some wonder and restlessness about where I’m headed, because I just want to start heading there, I realize that I am heading there right now.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be as a spiritual being and as an artist.  I am growing and so is my art, evolving and changing with each creation I put my heart and soul into.  And honestly, I don’t want to be so caught up in where I’m headed that I miss where I am because this is truly an amazing place to be.  I am so grateful that I have this time, to create, to be inspired, to grow and evolve, to go where ever the Divine winds take me.  And I trust that.  I love the journey, this journey, this breath, this moment because it won’t ever be here again.  And really, it’s all about the journey.  So I’m going to take a deep breath, remember that I trust my Creator and the Universe, and I'm going to show up at my creative workspace and allow the Divine forces to flow through me.  There is beauty in the breath of this moment because I chose to see it and be a part of it.  

And the next part of my journey begins with a step forward in faith...

There is this passion that I have for creating art, this fire lit within me by my Creator.  It truly is a gift, this giggly-feel-good-God-space and I absolutely love it!!!  It’s a place where the world melts away and my whole body relaxes and I am connected to something so much bigger than me or this world I live in.  And it’s not just about creating art, it’s about touching people’s lives and inspiring people through my art and through this process of creativity and life.  I started this creative journey in 2002 making cards and quickly progressed to making journals.  Over the years my creative interests have expanded into using paint, making jewelry, sewing, mixed media, pretty much anything creative.  From the moment I fell in love with it in 2002  I came up with the slogan: touching people’s lives one creation at a time.  I knew that with my creativity (at that point I certainly would not have called myself an artist) I wanted to have a profoundly positive effect on people.  I wanted my creativity to reach in and tap on their soul, for my work to move them in the most amazing way.  Although I didn’t quite understand at the time that I wanted to inspire people, my spirit did because I wrote:  may you dream the most amazing dream, and from that dream create something so profound, as to inspire others to dream, create and inspire.

So much has happened over the past nine years.  I struggled with my creativity, my life, and myself as I found myself lost in the grips of addiction and dealing with my own darkness.  I’d go through periods where I’d create these beautiful things and then I wouldn’t touch anything creative for a while, sometimes weeks, sometimes months.  I’d have that desire to create, that wanting to so badly, but I wouldn’t allow myself to.  Only by the grace of my Creator, I walked out the other side of that self constructed forest of darkness and began to heal.  An amazing process of unpeeling the layers of garbage from my soul, releasing, letting go, self analyzing, and discovering who I really am.  The past 22 months have been the most incredible experience for me and I am beyond grateful.  I continue to do the work and life continues to get better and better.  After doing all of that work, imagine my surprise when I found myself struggling again with my creativity.  In a final moment of frustration I realized that if I was frustrated, that meant I was trying to figure it out instead of letting it flow and at that moment I surrendered it to my Creator and the Universe and asked, “Show me what I’m missing please?”  My prayers were answered when, through a string of thoughts and events, I realized that I was still trying to fit being an artist into a box labeled “socially acceptable” without even realizing I was doing it.  The struggle was caused by those conflicting parts of me, the one that knew I was supposed to be creating, and the one that was trying to be an artist that everyone would accept.  Craziness I know.  I let go of all of those thoughts and made a conscious decision to be a professional artist and to decide for myself what that meant because I could really care less about being “socially acceptable.”  I was no longer willing to let others define who I was, tell me what I should or shouldn’t be, what I could or couldn’t do.  

Within a week or so of making that decision, samantha kira harding, also known as journal girl, posted on her facebook page that she was starting a 52 paintings in 52 weeks challenge and if anyone wanted to join to email her.  I stopped in my tracks and gave it some thought.  I loved using paint in my work, love the smell of paint, the feel of it all over my fingers and hands, but was I a painter?  I was scared but I decided to go for it because that’s what professional artists do, they challenge themselves.  I am so grateful she did that because I have fallen in love with painting.  Actually, I am in love with all of the creative mediums I dabble in but still, loving the painting process!  It’s my job to show up in life and with my creativity and allow Divine Inspiration to flow from me and that what I am doing, to the best of my abilities.  I’ve surprised myself for sure!  The paintings that I have finished, and even the ones in progress, are all very different as I’m finding my style and niche within it.  I’m so glad that I decided to join that group regardless of the fear I felt because it’s so much fun and I’m learning so much about painting and about myself as an artist.

As I’ve been painting I’ve also been thinking a lot about inspiring people, as well as about being inspired.  There are so many artists that inspire me: samantha kira harding, donna downey, suzi blu, kelly rae roberts, and pam carriker, just to name a few.  And I realized that I can’t inspire people if nobody knows I exist.  To inspire people I need to step past the fear and put it all out there, share my art and my journey, do what I love and my Creator will take care of the rest.  So I set up the blog and then I let it sit for a couple of weeks.  I admit, I allowed fear to get the best of me and I avoided it like the plague.  Yesterday I was reading samantha kira harding’s blog (she really is amazing so if you get a chance, go check her out) and she wrote something about us getting up and doing it.  It inspired me and I realized that I needed to get up, swallow my fear and trust the Inner Guidance I’ve gotten that this blog is my next step and JUST DO IT.  So that’s what I’m doing.  I live in a world of possibilities.  Kelly Rae Roberts has on her website that she is a “possibilitarian” and I absolutely love that phrase!  I believe in possibilities, I believe in living our dreams, pulling them from that world of visualization and making them our reality.  I believe that I am a Divine Creation and that my Creator and the Universe fully support me in my dreams, they work through me.  So if I believe that then I need to have faith and take the steps.  So here I go, embarking on this creative artistic journey of figuring out where I want to go artistically and who I am as an artist.  I’m scared and excited about this next phase of my life.  It’s all about the journey, it’s all about the process, peeling back the layers, adding more, having faith and just doing it.  I hope you’ll join me on this journey and I hope I can give back to at least one person what was so freely given to me: inspiration.