Why am I running?

Sometimes I just feel things.  I get a sense of them.  It's not anything I can touch or describe or see, it's just something I feel.  Sometimes it's also a knowing, but not always because I'm not always trusting of that sense that I feel.

Recently I have felt something coming - big changes for me, my life, where I live.  I can't describe it, I'm not sure exactly what shape it'll take, I just feel it.  That feeling has gotten stronger and stronger and has started to approach knowing.  The reason it has only approached knowing is because of something I realized this morning; I felt it coming, I approached knowingness...and I turned around and started to run.  After all of the healing work I've done to get to where I am, why on Earth would I run?  I am not entirely sure.  I just know that I realized it and I had to face it.

Chances are it's an old patterned behavior.  It's a behavior that's no longer acceptable to me.  It's no longer acceptable to act as if I don't remember who I really am.  In the book, Home With God: In A Life That Never Ends, by Neale Donald Walsch, I read: "Now the final question is not whether or not you will continue to remember, but whether or not you will continue to act as if you do not."  While I always write down quotes and bits of information from all the books I read, this stood out to me so much that I posted it in places I would see it so that I would remember.

As I made the choice to act as if I remember who I really am, based on my truth, and as I came closer to the knowing that changes are coming for me...I turned around and ran.  Then today, I slowed down to a walk because I realized what I was doing.  I took a look at compulsive behaviors and backwards steps I've made over the past couple of days and I asked myself what was going on?  I asked for clarity and clarity came as the soft voice in my head told me, "I'm running away."  Is it self-sabotage?  It could be.

And I'm not talking any horrible behaviors, just some things I've slacked off on.  I was cutting down on smoking cigarettes, in an effort to become a non-smoker and honor myself, my body, and my life.  I realized that smoking is a self-destructive habit, for me, and is a life-threatening, instead of a life affirming, behavior and it no longer works for me.  Yet, the past couple of days I've started smoking more again and I can feel the affects in my chest and throat and I don't like it.  I also stared walking and jogging again, after stopping for two years, and I love it.  However, despite how good it makes me feel, I've seriously slacked off on that the past week.  I was getting to a point where I was meditating every day, sometimes twice a day, because I enjoy the clarity and the closeness I feel to divinity when I meditate.  Again, I have been slacking off on that as well.  Every morning and every evening I have a conversation with my Creator and yesterday, I didn't do that in the morning.  When I don't do that, I feel the effects of it on my day.  I had resistance to it yesterday and today but today I pushed through the resistance.  The fact that I've slacked off on these things that have become important to me was a huge clue that something isn't right in my internal world.

As I sit here writing this, I feel as if I am standing still now.  I know that running doesn't serve me and I am not going to do it anymore.  I feel like I am standing here looking at where and what I am running from, then looking at where in the hell I think I am running to, and I am bringing light to why I am doing it.  And I am realizing that this moment, as well as each moment of this life, is a gift my soul sent me so that I would remember who I really am.  I appreciate this gift that is reminding me.  And there is growth in this because I caught it in a matter of a couple of days.  There's growth because I recognize what I am doing and I realize that it's an illusion I created to remind me, again, of who I really am.  I also realize that, in taking some steps back, I better appreciate where I was at.  True, I am only a few steps away, but those few steps have given me appreciation for where I have come to and who I have become.

With each choice I make about who I wish to be, things come creeping out of the shadows withing me and I can shine a light on them and look at them, observe them, and decide what they mean to me.  I am the creator of my own reality, the director of my movie, and I have the most brilliantly beautiful picture of my life painted.  And each choice brings me an opportunity to release patterns and energy that no longer work for me.  And in that release I move closer to that picture.

It no longer serves me to act like I don't remember who I really am.  It no longer serves me to hold on to old patterned behavior and energies that sabotage me, that I use to sabotage myself.  That's the old me.  That's not who I am today, nor is it who I am choosing to become.  So, I'll continue to stand here with my spotlight, shining it on my shadow energies, facing them and releasing my grasp on them.  Amazing things are coming, I can feel it.  And I choose to stop running from them and choose instead to run right into them.

Truth, Secrets, and The Fifth Chakra

"the frozen secret of ice melting the voice of my truth.  it flows into the world, healing me, as I've longed for the cooling of its soothing waters, dripping with Spirit and Sparkle, as My truth, the truth of who I am, is finally told."

The Fifth Chakra, or Throat Chakra, is the chakra responsible for expression, our right to speak and be heard.  It is responsible for our creative expression, expression of our truth, our expression of who we truly are, at our very core.

Truth is not a difficult concept for me, I don't like to lie.  Not that I haven't; when you're entrenched in addiction you are immersed in lies.  Your whole life becomes a lie, a lie to yourself, a lie to the world.  A betrayal of yourself to your very core.  A hugely important part of recovery is truth.  Examining the truth of who you've been, what you've done to yourself and others, is a necessary part of the healing process.  Those lies affect your Throat Chakra, and as you examine and face the truth, you bring healing to that chakra as well.

Secrets are a part of addiction as well, at least they were for me.  And as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm wondering where the line between secrets and lies is?  While in active addiction I felt like I was living a double life, there was this whole other part of me I kept hidden from the world, I kept it secret.  I had the part of my life in which I was an addict, scrambling to feed my addiction - immersed in darkness.  Then I had the part of my life in which I had a good job, went to work every day, took care of my son, and wore whatever mask I could to hide myself from the world and everyone around me.  And I suppose that's where the two worlds crossed over, the masks of addiction were what I wore to hide myself from the world, that way they wouldn't see that I was crazy, or that I felt like I didn't fit in.  They wouldn't see that I didn't feel accepted.  They wouldn't see the pain I carried because I hated who I thought I was.  And when it all came to a head and the secret was out and I took my first step out of active addiction, I sighed in relief.  I think I was tired of my secret life.  Once the light hit the darkness of my secret, I could look at the truth and I could start to heal.  And that's what I've been doing for 25 months, healing.  And my Throat Chakra, among others, have healed from that as well.

The think about healing, as I've come to realize, is that there are layers; a lot of layers.  I find that I heal the layer I have the tools and ability to heal.  That sits, I transform, I progress along my healing journey, and then I'm introduced to a deeper layer.  I've already shared that I'm in those deeper layers right now.  Layers of issues I have dealt with already.  But a deeper layer is ready to be healed.  It amazes me how sometimes, things that come to appear obvious are missed that first time around.  Sometimes they're touched on, but it just grazes the surface.  It doesn't sink into my realization until it's ready to reveal itself and I have the capacity to look at the revelation.

So, what does this have to do with "Truth, Secrets, and The Fifth Chakra"?  In my case, it has everything to do with it.  You see, as a child, during the developmental formation of my Throat Chakra, I had a very deep dark secret.  A secret that trampled my basic right to speak and be heard.  It shattered the formation of that, as well as other, sacred energy centers in my body.  It was about 10 years ago that I went to therapy to heal that abuse, to forgive it.  And I did.  Finally a giant weight had been lifted off of me.  However, I missed a few things.  First, I wasn't at all aware of the chakras, or their functions, at that point and time.  Second, I totally missed the obvious point that abuse rips away your personal power (which is a Chakra Three issue that I'll explore in another post).  Third, I didn't grasp the effects that having to keep such a secret would have on the way I lived my life and the choices I would make.  At that time I was looking for peace, I wanted the images to stop invading my mind, I wanted the nightmares to go away.  And therapy accomplished that.  Well, as much as I could know peace anyway, at least until I stared to heal from addiction and the dis-ease of myself.

You see, keeping a secret racked in fear and shame sends the message, "It's not safe to speak my truth."  Once that pattern is established and used as a belief system through life, it becomes deeply embedded in your energy system.  When opportunities arose for me to speak the truth of who I was, that fear automatically kicked in and stifled my voice.  It also distorted my inner truth, of I was.  On top of that, when obedience and silence is the message received, it creates the belief that "I don't have a right to even be heard.  What is safe?"  So while the chakra of expression was forming, my messages were that it wasn't safe to speak my truth and that no one wants to hear it anyway, so I guess I'll just be quiet and safe.  I put my "truth" stamp, as I call it, on those limiting beliefs and lived life that way.  A very dysfunctional way I might add.

These realizations are expanding my awareness.  I appreciate that I am ready to heal this.  And that is the great news, as long as I choose to, I can heal it.  And trust me, I choose to.  So I've read about it, reflected on it, written in my journal about it, and created this page to voice it.  After spending almost my entire life trying to be anyone other than me, I now wish to be only me.  And I wish to put the truth of who I am and what I've learned out into the world.  I choose to be grounded, balanced, and whole.  I choose to use the experiences of my life and all the healing work I've done and wisdom I've gained to go forth and help others heal.  I can only do that by healing the energy of my body, by thawing the frozen lock of illusion from my throat.  So that is what I am doing.

The Divine guidance I receive never ceases to amaze me.  I made a decision, not so long ago, to commit to this path of helping people heal and doing whatever it takes to get there.  In doing that these issues have come up and I'm experiencing some of the deepest levels of healing that I've experienced so far on this journey.  Because to help people heal, I have to heal myself.  I'm being prepared for one of my purposes in life.  And the more I learn and the more I heal within the depths of me, the more I can transform that into guiding people along their healing journeys.  And that is what my soul longs to do.  Help people heal and create art.  And that's what I've done here.  I've honored my truth, I've used my truth to put symbolic beauty on the page, and I've sent it out into the world in hopes that at least one person will be touched by it in some way.  I know it's touched me.

Artful Play and a Poem

This was the result of dripping paint on a page, spraying it with water, and taking my heat gun to it.  It was freedom and fun!  Of course, any time I'm playing with artsy things is fun and usually meditative.  Which is one of the many reasons I love to do it.  I'm not sure where this page is headed but I trust it'll let me know.  And I trust I'll listen.

I actually see the hint of a girls face on the right hand side page.  I just might try to add to that.  While I was looking at it words started to come to me.  A poem I think.  So I thought I would share:

She speaks in soft whisperous tones
As she takes a cautious step
Into the ground that is her truth.
She's careful not to put the full weight of her foot down
As she's used to stepping on shaky ground.
Then she realizes
That that is the past.
That shaky ground beneath her feet no longer exists,
As it faded with the passing of its time.
And she remembers
That the stability of the ground of her truth
Is determined only by her belief in it
Not on the past of it.
So she places her foot firmly
On the solid ground of her truth.
She knows the time she's spent rebuilding the foundation of it.
She knows that it is that that she needs to remember.
She sees the security of it now,
Security she has built on her journey back to wholeness.
And she places her "truth" stamp on it,
And she stands firmly there
Rooted in her foundation,
Speaking her truth in audible tones
From her Divine spirit within,
That she has finally claimed as her own.
And the past slowly fades away,
Illusions of some distant day.
They served her well in reminding her
Of who she is and who she is not.
But they were never meant to be contained
And projected into her future.
They were never meant to manifest fears
Freezing her in time.
So she releases them gently,
With love and appreciation,
And they blow away with the wind.
She has traveled long and deep
To find the truth she now holds.
And whether she's flying towards her dreams
Or dancing to her own tune,
She knows her ground of truth will always be there for her,
Strong, stable, and secure.
And she now trusts herself to remember the existence of it that she built.

Owning my power, standing in my truth, speaking my truth...just some of the many internal landscapes I've been in lately.  Digging deep into the depths of me.  I've definitely reached some very deep layers.  It's all good stuff because as the energy starts swirling around and releasing, things start moving forward.  And I am very much looking forward to that :)

Healing my foundation...

Throughout my healing journey I've worked with my chakras to clue me in as to what is still buried beneath my surface.  I thought I had left no stone unturned, but it turns out not so much.  And that's okay because I really do love solving the mysteries that make up me.  I am an eternal work in progress.  But at times, when I have done so much work already, it surprises me that there is still much to do.

Recently I've been working on deeper layers of chakras I've already been through and childhood issues I thought I had let go of.  I should clarify that because I did indeed heal them and let them go.  But what I've realized is that sometimes, they affect deeper layers that I didn't realize at first.  Also, sometimes there is something about the event that is lingering in my energy, even though it is clear from my mind.

One of the books that I have used to heal a number of these issues is, Carolyn Myss' Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing.  I absolutely love this book and refer to it often.  If you are doing any internal healing type work I highly recommend it.  While I have read and reread this book I was recently Divinely guided to look into chakra's two and five again.  To make a long story short (yes, I'm actually going to try to do that) it led me to release a few important blocks, mysteries I have been trying to solve for awhile.  It also reminded me of what an amazing healing tool the chakras are.  Which led me to yet another book, Eastern Body, Western Mind, by Anodea Judith.  Another amazing book that helped me solve even more.  I love working with these energy centers, the more I understand them and their interconnectedness, the more I heal. While reading this book, it really started to sink in how childhood trauma had affected a number of my chakras.  I started to see the symbolism and clues and realized that I had happened upon a very deep level of healing.  One I really needed.  This information is helping me to heal deep energetic wounds that reach to the depths of me.

An idea for an art journal page started to form as I was reading this book.  Our foundation (root chakra) is our stability, where we are rooted into the deep nutrient rich loving soil of mother earth.  That little girl inside of me did not have stable ground, it was shaky at best.  So I decided to create a new foundation for her, one that is stable, grounded, and safe.  While doing this page I also wrote a letter to that little girl; it was a very powerful experience.  It actually surprised me because I healed this childhood trauma in therapy a number of years ago.  I forgave it, I let it go and it no longer haunts me.  But I did not realize that it had a shattering affect on my energy system.  I did not have the tools then to understand that.  I am grateful that I do now.

I told little tia that I understood what she was going through.  I comforted her, I hugged her and I told her how special and loved she is.  I also gave her a voice, dialogued with her.  I can still feel a bit of a lump in my throat as I write this, the lump was pretty strong yesterday when I was doing the exercise.  I walked away feeling better, feeling like I had started to thaw energy that has been frozen in my vibration since I was a little girl.  This page is in honor of her.  This page symbolizes a new, safe, loving foundation for that scared little girl.  This page is an affirmation for me and a way for me to release it and let it go from a deeper level.

And as I still feel the lump in my throat, my fifth chakra, I know there is still much to be released from that area of my body too.  Intensely healing, rooting out things that have been lingering.  And learning because I will take from this and go forth and do great things with it, write my book, guide people along their healing journey's, and even write an e-course that incorporates all of this.

It's been hard work.  I've never worked for anything as hard as I've worked toward wholeness.  I gain more ground every day and I am in awe of it.  Hard work but rewarding.  The reward is wholeness-body, mind, and spirit merged.  It's merging as I write this, I can feel it.  Amazing to go through your entire life not even knowing how fragmented you were.  Even more amazing that at any point you can start the healing process and merge all of your parts.  I think it's amazing anyway.  It sure feels that way :)

mini meltdown

Yes, I had a mini meltdown today.  All of life's circumstances and all of my frustration and having to ask my mom if I could borrow money so I can take my child to school this week...the weight of it all hit me for some reason and the tears came.  And not just tears but sobs.  Crying does not come easy to me.  Not that I think there's anything wrong with crying, I actually envy the people who can cry easily because I am just not one of those people.  It has to be a big hurt for me to cry or a really sad movie.  But today apparently the weight of it all was too much.  And I needed it, I needed to allow that emotion to flow because sometimes I think I try to be too strong, if that makes any sense.  It's hard to explain.  I've shared that, once upon a time, I was a train wreck.  I used to think that there wasn't anything I could do that would be good enough for anyone, no matter the situation.  I used to think I wouldn't do anything that was worthy of somebody being proud of me.  I pulled myself out of that, with the help of the Divine, and as my healing progressed, I came to realize that I am good enough, what I do is good enough and I am proud of how far I've come.  I've worked very hard on my internal world, walking my spiritual journey, learning about myself, growing and healing.  And because I've worked so hard to get here, to this place where I know my worth, I have confidence, I love who I am, that I'm frustrated that I still live at my mom's and I'm having trouble finding a job so I have to ask people to help me.  I understand that sometimes we have to ask for help, it's part of life.  It's just that I've been here before, a version of here anyway.  And I know that life is a spiral and sometimes it seems like we're in the same place but we're in a better version of the same place.  In one week I'll celebrate 2 years clean and sober and so, I know, I'm not in the same place.  But I am in the same place of living in someone else's house, depending on the help of other's for money, and it frustrates me.  I understand that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I know to be appreciative of where I am because this experience is an opportunity for growth for me, but still...  I want to be independent.  I want to find a job.  I want a place to call me own.  The thing about doing all of this internal healing work is that, I know what to do to get to where I want to be.  However, something seems to still be in my energy that is keeping me here.  And so, I'm digging and examining and looking at myself as honestly as possible and looking for clues and trying to put it all together so I can see what it is that needs to be dealt with and healed so that I can move on.  And trust me, I am aware of the many blessings in all of this.  I am so appreciative that I do not wish to sit in the muck of where I'm at and at the same time, I am not willing to escape it either.  Where I am at and the issues that are coming up need to be worked through and healed and so I will do that because I will walk out of the other side of this a stronger, better, more healed person.  It just doesn't feel great at the moment and I know that's okay.  I am reaching for the best feeling thought I have access to right now and I know that doesn't mean I can go from mini meltdown to cartwheels; it doesn't work like that.  I know I need to bridge the gap and that's what I am doing.  I am hopeful, feeling a little down but still hopeful.  This too shall pass because life is constantly in motion so it's not possible for me to get stuck.  And I have the desire to work through this and heal through this so I know that I will.

I've had some major revelations in the past week and a half and that's a good thing.  I have to take responsibility for the fact that I'm wanting to be farther ahead of where I am and because I'm not I'm having a hard time.  This is also a lesson in faith for me as I cling to my faith that things will work out for the best for me because they always do.  And the issues I've hit on are big ones, and it was amazing to hit on them because it felt like, as I was sitting in the dark staring at the puzzle pieces, the light was suddenly turned on and all the puzzle pieces magically moved to their rightful positions.  It was a huge feel good aha moment and I am grateful.

I am the creator of my own reality and it I'm not seeing those things that I'm creating, it's because there is resistance in me.  So, I keep digging to find where it is.  Prayers are answered as these issues come up and I feel my way through them.  I know that I just have to accept that this is where I am right now, in this moment, and continue to work through this moment while I focus on where it is I'm going.  I feel like my thoughts are a little disorganized right now.  I almost didn't write this blog today but I want to be real, raw, and authentic and the only way to do that is to share that this is where I am.  This is where I've been, reflecting, digging, sorting through my life, figuring things out, and most importantly, healing.  Perspective will come, as will clarity and I'll look back on this with a great sense of love and appreciation for where it propelled me to.  It always works like that for me.  And like I said, I needed that mini meltdown today.  I needed that prayer in desperation, the I don't want to live like this anymore, dependent on other people for my home and security, I can do better than this now.  And what's funny is that, while I was in active addiction, I uttered that same prayer so many times, "I don't want to live like this anymore."  That desperation is such a gift because that desperation, 2 years ago, brought me to the point where I could stop the insanity and heal.  Those desperate prayers at that time were answered and here I am in this healthy, healing, clean and sober, whole place.  So again, on the spiral of life, in a higher place, I offered a similar prayer and I know it will be answered.

I think that's all for me today.  I'm hoping I made sense and wasn't too all over the place.  I needed this.  Needed to put it out here, get it out, allow myself to be vulnerable so that I could remember that I don't have to do this perfectly.  I don't have to always be so strong.  And really, as I write that I realize, who says that having a moment makes you any less strong?  What defines strength?  I don't see weakness in anyone else who has those moments.  Hmmm, holding myself up to those separate standards again.  That's good because I need to look at that.  Tears are not a sign of weakness.  A mini or major meltdown is not a sign of weakness either.  All it means is that I have very strong desires to be independent and have a job and a place of my own and I'm noticing I'm not there yet.  That's all it means.  There's strength in showing the world who you really are.  There's strength in looking honestly at all your deepest darkest depths and working toward healing them.  Because other people put themselves out there and that inspires me and I see them as strong authentic beautiful women who are helping so many people through the sharing of who they are.  And isn't that what I want to do, to help uplift and inspire people?  And the only way for me to do that and to continue learning how to do that is by working through my own stuff and sharing my journey.  So consider it shared for today.

I am a beautiful spark of divinity

Tamara LaPorte (a.k.a. Willowing) has a free class on her ning site called, "Art, Heart and Healing."  First off, she is an amazing artist and a beautiful bright spirit and I recommend you check out her work and her YouTube channel.  And if you are looking for some healing art exercises I urge you to check out her class.  It's interesting because, on Easter I sat down and wrote a list of artsy things I wanted to do and try.  Two of the items on the list involved drawing faces that looked more realistic, but not too realistic; and to learn to paint and shade faces to look more realistic, but again, not too realistic.  This is my result from the first week class.  She's beautiful!  I am so proud of her.  I look forward to continuing to practice drawing girls and making them mine, incorporating more of my style, and figuring out what that style is.  I am so appreciative to Tam for giving us the gift of this class, it was very generous of her.  I am also appreciative that she shares her knowledge because I learned so much.  I struggled with shading a face with acrylic paints and Tam uses watercolor crayons, which I am totally in love with by the way.  I am putting Caran D'ache Watercolor crayons on my wish list.  Love them.

I also love my message to me on this piece, "I am a beautiful spark of divinity."  I believe that we are all beautiful sparks of divinity but sometimes we don't know that or we can't see that.  The wounded pile up and we start to see ourselves through the sh*t colored glasses of self hate and self loathings.  To our eyes, that spark dies out, if it was ever there.  But it is there, in each and every one of us.  And as we start to go through the process of digging deep and healing our wounds, the glasses start to get clearer and we start to see the tiniest shimmer of that spark.  That shimmer is hope, and that hope can carry us through until we can take the glasses off and start to see that spark, start to see who we really are.  I've gone through that process.  To know me now is a completely different person from who I used to be.  I'm not sure I believed anything positive about my self in the past.  I struggled and felt crazy because I wasn't like everybody else.  I thought something was wrong with me, I thought everything was wrong with me.  I have such appreciation for the fact that I was that shell of a person and that I no longer am.  If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here.  And I love here.  I just want so much to help people work through their wounds, heal their wounds, and let go of their wounds so that they can finally see that they are indeed that beautiful spark of divinity.

I was just watching effy's vlog for today in which she shared some of her story.  I highly recommend you check it out, she, too, is another beautiful bright spirit, authentic and real and inspiring.  I commented to her that one of the things I find amazing about this authenticity movement that seems to be happening is that, as those of us who are wounded healers work through our wounds and share our wounds, we have the opportunity to teach others and to inspire others to walk through theirs.  I also shared with her that it is my goal to help as many people as possible to uncover the beautiful bright spirit that they are.  To help others dig deep and uncover that spirit.  I'm probably being repetitive and I don't mean to be, it is just something that is hugely important to me right now.  For me personally, it would be a waste to have gone through what I have in my life and not use it to help people.  That's just what's right for me.  I have a few projects I'm brainstorming right now and the purpose of those projects is to help people uncover their spirits.  I love what effy shares and the healing community she has at Wild Precious Studio.  I've only recently signed up but the energy of that community is amazing.  And it's free. Great appreciation to effy for putting that out there for us.

Art and healing, two things that pair so well together.  Art and creativity gets us in touch with that deeper higher part of ourselves.  It can be so therapeutic.  And I know that are other people who pair those two subjects and perhaps I'll do a search and share some of them with you at a later date.  In the meantime, it would be worth your time to check out these two women.

I am a beautiful spark of divinity.  You are a beautiful spark of divinity.  What one step, one question could bring you closer to realizing that.  At some level you know it's the truth.  At some level it resonates with you but the wounds and the limiting beliefs, misguided perceptions and false judgments make you doubt it could be true for you.  I know, I've been there.  I used to believe it was true for other people.  I used to believe that other people believed it about me.  Today, I don't just believe it's true for me, I know it's true for me.  And it's true for you too.

You have to ask yourself the tough questions

Well, at least I have to.  After I launched my Etsy shop, the thought occurred to me, "Is this really what I want?"  I didn't even want to say that question out loud at first.  After all, I had been wanting to open up an Etsy shop for quite some time, and I finally did it, and now I'm wondering if this that was what I really wanted?  Part of me was saying, "Tia, of course this is what you want, don't be ridiculous!"  But I couldn't ignore it.  I could tell it wasn't just doubt or a passing thought of craziness because, while I was saying how excited I was about it, I wasn't feeling the excitement.  I've recently read Ask and It Is Given, an amazing book by the way, and it says that our emotions are communication from our Inner Being, that higher part of ourselves, and I believe that.  I'm also becoming more aware of that, and I knew that feeling was trying to tell me something.  After I voiced it to myself, I felt I had to share it with someone very close and very important to me.  I needed to hear it out loud to someone else other than myself.  And yes, I do talk to myself often and I'm okay with that.  I'm so glad that I was aware of how I felt about my Etsy shop, and so glad that I paid attention to what those feelings were telling me.  I appreciate that I was willing to be honest with myself and examine that thought.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself because, honestly, at first I didn't appreciate it.  Well, it was that appreciation didn't enter my mind at the time.  I kept thinking about the question, "is this what I really want," and trying to figure out why I was feeling like I was feeling.  Why the excitement wasn't there.  I knew I wanted to sell my art on Etsy but I was missing something.  What was it?

On Easter Sunday I decided to catch up on a couple YouTube subscriptions of mine, effy wild and samantha kira harding.  They're both participating in a vlog every day for 30 days challenge.  I was watching one of effy's vlogs and she was talking about social networking as an artist and making sure who you are as a person is portrayed because people connect to people.  Something about that sparked something in me.  I got up and went outside to walk around my mom's pool, because that's what I do sometimes when inspiration hits and ideas start swirling around inside of my brain.  I realized that I, too, connect to people, to the person and their stories.  And while that may seem obvious to some, I hadn't paid attention to that until effy mentioned it.  And then suddenly I was thinking about the question that had popped up for me.  What was missing?  I love creating art and the idea of selling my art but, was that the avenue I was wanting to inspire and uplift people with.  Well, yes, but selling my art just wasn't enough.  I have to say that, I really love when pieces of the puzzle come together in that lightbulb moment of inspiration.  When that happens, I realize that the pieces were there the whole time, I just wasn't paying attention to all of them.  It was as if I was focusing on placing one piece in the wrong spot, turning and turning it and trying to force it in, and all the while I was ignoring the rest of the pieces sitting on the table, and the fact that the piece just didn't fit there.  What I wanted to do, what I've talked about a number of times, is to inspire people to be who they are.  And even more than that, I want to help people heal and inspire them and help them uncover who they truly are.  And that was it!  What I was feeling was a lack of fulfillment because I wasn't doing what I had originally said I wanted to do.  I set that intention and my Inner Being knew I wasn't totally in line with it.  Again, I still want to sell my art and I know that I can inspire and uplift through that.  But I want more.  I want to go deeper.  I want to help people get inside of themselves and uncover the beautiful spirit that lies within them, and in doing so, help them to be who they really are.  The ideas started flying and I sat down to brainstorm.  Right now, I'm not sure how to do it.  I might want to write a book, and it would probably make a good workshop.  Then all of these other pieces surfaced.  Intuitively I realized that I am a teacher and a healer.  And I remember a little over a year ago, I told my mom I was a healer, I intuitively knew it, felt it.  All these conversations I've had over the past year or more went buzzing through my head and I realized that I've been headed in this direction the entire time.  It was starring me in the face all along, I just didn't have the clarity to see it until now.

And that's when the appreciation settled in.  I had to take that step, open my shop, to realize that I wanted more than just that.  More contact, more connection, deeper work with people.  It wasn't a wrong step at all, but a step to help me fine tune my desires.  I think there are so many of us wounded healers out there, those of us who have the scars and who have done and are doing the interior work to heal and grow.  I've done that work, I continue to do that work and I want to help others with that process.  And that is something I am so passionate about.  And then effy mentioned wanting to become a Life Coach, which was funny (not funny ha ha) because that day, I was considering whether or not I wanted to get into Soul Coaching.  I want to help people heal and really, uncover who they are.  I don't mean to be repetitive but that point is really important to me.  I think it's a process of uncovering the beauty that's already there.  I realized that you can tell someone they're beautiful, talented, okay just the way they are- until you're blue in the face and it really won't matter.  Because somewhere deep inside their true spirit has been covered up by other people's opinions and beliefs, things they've attached to and decided to call their "truth."  And to help someone see that they are okay, you have to help them dig down deep and figure out what they're truth is and then teach them, inspire them, to let the old ideas go, decide on a new truth for themselves, and uncover their true beauty.

Like I said, I'm not sure what direction this will go in but I do trust the Universe to continue sending me guidance.  And that whole process amazes me because I acknowledged the question and how I was feeling and I was led to effy who, through her vlog, sparked a rememberance in me of what I've been saying I wanted to do, along with the realization that I wasn't doing it.  And then the Universe responded with all these ideas.  I'm feeling so inspired and so excited!  And this time I'm really feeling it, not just saying it and kind of feeling it.  I want to use my life and my experiences and all that I've learned through it all to help people.  And when you help someone, you contribute to All-That-Is because we're all connected.  We all come from the same Source, we are all an extension of that Source, here in physical form.

For now, I'm trusting that I'll be guided because I'm passionate about this and I know that people will be helped by whatever it is I come up with.  I'm jotting down ideas, letting them percolate in my mind and my soul and I'll be led to who and what I need to do this.  And in the meantime, I'm going to pick up my art supplies and experience the joy and passion of creating art.

Oh, and I just joined Wild Precious Studio, which is run by effy wild.  I suggest you check it out.  And what's on the front page, "be who you are," how serendipitous is that?  It's a community for "spiritual creatives."  And can I just say how much I love that term?  It is so me, and so all of the women who belong to that community.

That's all for now.  I feel like I was a bit rambly tonight, could be because it's 3:00am and I really should be sleeping.  Could also be that I had this all written out in my journal and it was flowy there, and I deviated from that, big time.  Good night all!  I hope you dream sweet delicious dreams that you wake up wanting to pull into your reality.

One last thing, I promise.  Check out samantha kira harding's latest vlog if you get a chance.  It is so brave and so real and hearfelt.  I love the rawness of it, how vulnerable she allowed herself to be in sharing her story.  Such an inspiration this girl has been to me.